THE Oscars have announced this year’s glittering Hollywood celebrity slapfights to take place live on stage.
The 95th Academy Awards will expand on last year’s wildly popular Will Smith-administered belt across the face for Chris Rock with a whole slate of slaps, hair-pulling and kicks to the shin.
A spokesman said: “Realised all you ever wanted to see was millionaire actors backhanding each other across their spoilt chops? Come the f**k down.
“We have responded to worldwide audience demand with a sparking array of A-list twattings. Even on the red carpet Jennifer Lawrence will be giving Bill Nighy the wedgie he’s long deserved.
“Jamie Lee Curtis is slapping Austin Butler, Angela Basset’s pushing Guillermo del Toro over while Ana de Armas kneels behind him so he falls right on his fat arse, and Paul Mescal is rubbing both of Tom Cruise’s ears really hard. It kills.
“Steven Spielberg is tipped for the lifetime achievement award which he’ll accept graciously, along with a kick in the nads from Andrea Riseborough.
“There won’t be a Smith-Rock rematch, unfortunately, because Will Smith is a little bitch. Quote me on that. Tell him if he’s got a problem with it he can tell me to my f**king face.”