ROCK stars wrongly believe their warped imaginations strike fear into the hearts of normal people. Here are some ‘terrifying’ records that just made you go ‘Yeah, whatever’.
Number of the Beast, Iron Maiden
There are two obstacles to taking Iron Maiden’s interest in Satan seriously: the teenage fans, and Spinal Tap soundalike Bruce Dickinson. In the unlikely event of Beelzebub chatting to him, he’d undoubtedly say: ‘Are all your minions socially awkward virgins, Bruce? And stop going on about your pilot’s licence. No one’s interested, posh boy.’
Enter Sandman, Metallica
The Sandman takes sleeping children into a world of nightmares. Quite disturbing, but not as much as the original lyrics, which contained references to cot death, until a producer understandably changed them. What’s genuinely terrifying is that the band thought this lyrical subject matter was fine to rock out at the Reading Festival with.
Fear of a Black Planet, Public Enemy
Not much fear involved if you’re a non-racist liberal and not a member of the Klan, although Literally No Problem with a Racially Diverse Planet isn’t a very good album title. Features the odd PE classic, including ‘Can’t Do Nuttin’ for Ya Man’. Fans will realise that the scariest thing about this album is Flavor Flav’s personal life.
News of the World, Queen
The cover depicts a giant robot holding the mangled, bloodied corpses of Freddie et al. However, actually listen to it and you’re back to standard Queen fare like ‘We Will Rock You’ and ‘We Are the Champions’, a song now associated with boring sporting victories. Not a murderous robot in sight. Even the track ‘All Dead, All Dead’ is inspired by Brian May’s deceased cat. Terrifying.
Pyromania, Def Leppard
Heavy(ish) metal is overrepresented in the ‘scary tunes’ stakes, but the thought of burning to death is genuinely horrible. Lucky the album isn’t about that then. Despite the blazing building on the cover, the songs are things like ‘Rock Rock (Till You Drop)’. Def Leppard themselves, as far as we know, have no interest in arson. Which is good, but disappointingly inauthentic.
Appetite for Destruction, Guns N’Roses
Appetite for Cakes, if Axl Rose’s recent appearance is anything to go by. The video to ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ is pretty scary, but maybe that’s just late-night coach journeys. The original cover showed a robot rapist, his victim and a monster. Not so much scary as offensively juvenile. This was replaced with pictures of the band with skulls for faces, which looked like a kids’ cartoon spin-off of Pirates of the Caribbean. And is every bit as scary as that sounds.
