subscribe
/ Sign Out

Nine new films that aren't as good as watching The Matrix again

HOLLYWOOD has stubbornly continued to make films even though it peaked 25 years ago. None of these recent releases can compare to a rewatch of a 1999 cyberpunk classic: 

The Wild Robot (2024)

Deadly machines, impressive action sequences and a dark vision of a cybernetic future, yes, but bogged down by talking beavers and overwrought messaging about parental love. The Wachowskis left that shit out of The Matrix for a reason.

Gladiator II (2024)

Inferior sequels trading on the unqualified brilliance of their predecessor? The Matrix did it all in 2003, mate. You’d be better off with the original Gladiator or even better, the lobby shootout bit from an entirely different film.

Paddington in Peru (2024)

Spending £15 to watch the mascot of the Home Office and Windrush-denier Paddington on another predictable adventure? Or a DVD of The Matrix, available two for a quid at all branches of British Heart Foundation?

Blitz (2024)

Hasn’t society had enough World War Two films? What is there left to say about the 1940-41 bombing raids on London? If you want to see something you’re already overfamiliar with, why not the bit where Morpheus tells Neo ‘stop trying to hit me and hit me’?

Anora (2024)

Three minutes shorter than The Matrix, which means you have time to skim the synopsis on Wikipedia then settle down to watch Neo realise he’s a human battery living in a simulation. You could even squeeze in a loo break if you’re quick.

The Substance (2024)

Oh, The Substance boasts stunning visual effects, does it? Compared to bullet time, which revolutionised action cinema while showing Neo’s development as a character? And is fun to pretend to do when pissed?

Small Things Like These (2024)

Catholicism. Coal-mining. Cillian Murphy. You don’t even need to see this movie because you can already imagine how wearisome and worthy it will be, only getting through it by replaying the mid-air Agent Smith fight in your mind.

Heretic (2024)

Could be alright. But it’s an A24 film so don’t expect explosions. Why bother when you could watch a reliable science fiction action movie that’s never let you down, and dwells on the nature of humanity with reference to Gnostic philosophies if you’re feeling intellectual?

Red One (2024)

It’s a film with The Rock playing Santa Claus’s bodyguard. Have some self respect.

Stop warning us about snow in Britain when you mean Scotland, forecasters told

METEOROLOGISTS causing unnecessary panic by warning of snow in Britain when they mean Scotland and possibly Cumbria have been told to cut it out.

Last night’s yellow warning from the Met Office about snow and ice covered only Scotland’s already frozen north, and even tonight’s warning only covers insignificant locations like Leeds.

Joanna Kramer of Letchworth said: “All I’m saying is these weather people need to have a sense of proportion.

“So there could be snow high on the Pennines. Aberdeen might get a bit icy. Are we really considering that ‘Britain’?

“I’m not suggesting they only be allowed to get all dire with their warnings if it’s London. I have friends in Bristol, my ex went to university in York, I’m cosmopolitan. But I feel that snow in Inverness can’t really be considered ‘news’.

“Let’s agree that a blanket of the white stuff up there is pretty common even in summer, only worth reporting if it interrupts the Edinburgh Festival, and you’re clear to get excited when it gets past Loughborough. Fair?”

BBC Weather presenter Carol Kirkwood said: “Please. You don’t understand how f**king boring it is being a weather presenter in this country of grey rain, day after day. We seize any chance for thrills we can.”

Next story ›