HAVING a gay following is both inclusive and a shrewd business move for a musical artist. These acts need to work harder to build their homosexual fanbase:
Motörhead
Surprisingly easy. With his big moustache and leather jacket, Lemmy is already halfway to the 70s San Francisco look, only missing the arseless chaps. And their relentless, pounding aural attack which leaves you aching will be popular with bottoms. However, it may be a problem that most of the band is dead.
Robin Thicke and Pharrell
A great opportunity to move on from those Blurred Lines misogyny accusations. Reshoot the video with naked male models and instead of Robin sleazing up to Emily Ratajkowski, he could gently cup a man’s balls as he sings. Meanwhile Pharrell playfully jiggles his penis. Literally the whole world would love to see this.
Led Zeppelin
There are undoubtedly gay Led Zeppelin fans. But the overall package of heavy rock, mystical bollocks, Vikings, vaginal fish insertions, drum solos and Satanism has never won over gay listeners in the same way as, say, Kylie. All that can be fixed with a few disco remixes. You’ll soon see Pride floats go past blaring When The Levee Breaks.
Jennifer Lopez
Most female pop stars already have a huge gay following because gay men love women, which makes sense. But they do require their heroines to be vulnerable and to have suffered tragedy, which is healthy. J-Lo’s always been too closed off emotionally. A proper life-ruining blow and she’ll sell out a world tour.
Eminem
The rapper’s never had much of a gay fanbase due to multiple threats to kill them. Nor has he ever properly apologised for decades of homophobia, blaming it on Slim Shady. An unreserved apology and pole-dancing video would rehabilitate his image and secure him those precious pink pounds. He can say it’s satirical, like all the other shit.
Tom Jones
A knicker-catching stage career of proud, avowed heterosexuality hasn’t brought in that crossover audience. But Tom has the key advantage of the majority of his hits being laughable nonsense, meaning they’re kitsch, camp and ready for ironic enjoyment. A single appearance at G-A-Y and he’s showered with boxer briefs.
Def Leppard
Def Leppard’s brand of stolid, no-nonsense Brit metal is as heterosexual as your dad creosoting the fence. They’ll need a full makeover; out goes Joe Elliot, in comes Sophie Ellis-Bextor. Animal and Pour Some Sugar on Me are off the setlist; an Abba medley replaces it. Their fans will hate it. The Guardian will love it.
