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King to take relationship with Harry to The Repair Shop

THE King is to star in a special episode of The Repair Shop where he takes his relationship with his youngest son in to be fixed, it has been confirmed.

The father-son relationship, which was once a treasured family heirloom, has fallen into disrepair over recent years and is in urgent need of attention from Jay Blades and his team of expert craftsmen.

The King said: “Every relationship can expect to go through a certain amount of wear and tear over time, but as you can see this one has taken a real pasting of late.

“If you look closely you’ll notice some hairline fractures that date back to even before his marriage. Then in 2021 it was smashed into several pieces when him and his bloody woman buggered off to Canada and did their Oprah interview.

“I’ve made clumsy attempts to patch things up myself but it’s been like duct-taping a Ming vase together. I’m really hoping the Repair Shop team can work their magic once again.”

Presenter Jay Blades said: “Christ, I’ve seen some knackered shit in my time but nothing compares to this. Sometimes you’ve got to just throw things out.”

Air frying, and other chip-cooking techniques that are shit compared to a big vat of oil

LOVE chips but disapprove of deep-fat fryers? Try these other ways of cooking them that will leave you sad and disappointed:

Air frying

These will be delicious and so healthy, you think, as you pop your hand-cut chips in the air fryer with just three teaspoons of oil. Maybe they’re better for you, but these half-cooked, limp slabs of potato are a million miles away from the crisp, fluffy deliciousness you were dreaming of.

Oven

Whether you slice them up yourself or buy a bag of crinkle cut ones from Tesco, an oven chip never approaches the majesty of a deep-fried one. They take ages to cook and you have to keep getting them out to rearrange them so you don’t end up with half raw and half burnt. Too much effort for very little reward.

Microwave

As a child in the 80s, you were fascinated by the idea of microwave chips but your mum never let you have them. Now you know why. They steam rather than cook, which means they have to be covered in some kind of mysterious powder to make them crisp, and it doesn’t work anyway. Prepare to be disillusioned with the future as seen from 1985.

Triple-fried with truffle oil and parmesan

A normal-sized chip cooked for 10 minutes in a deep fat fryer is a joy to behold, and yet people insist on messing with perfection. Why not make them big wedges, or cook them three times, or cover them in beer batter or sickly truffle oil or cheese? Piss off, Heston Blumenthal, they’re ruined now.

F**k it, let’s go to the chippy

If all else fails at home, the best thing to do is nip down to the chippy. They’ll give you a package bigger than your head with enough chips to feed 12 people, but they’ll be salty, greasy and delicious. You can’t claim to have cooked them though because you contributed f**k all.

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