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Johansson film is thought-provoking, haunting and has breasts in it

UNDER the Skin is an elegiac masterpiece where you see Scarlett Johansson in the nuddy, according to critics.

The Guardian critic Peter Bradshaw said: “This story of a voluptuous alien predator is like a social-realist take on Cronenberg’s best work.

“Also there are boobs in it. Not just boobs in fact, you get to see the lot, it’s awesome.”

Telegraph reviewer Robbie Collin said: “It’s a masterpiece, combining echoes of Polanski with situationist techniques and a nod to the cosmic horror of HP Lovecraft.

“And there’s hooters in it a couple of times, once around the 27 minute mark, then again later.

“It’s like the thinking man’s Species meets the iconic Jamie Lee Curtis bathroom scene in Trading Places. That good.”

Supermarkets recruiting shoppers for actual war

BRITAIN’S ‘big four’ supermarkets are asking shoppers to join them in a massive, deadly war.

The companies have opted for tanks and guns after growing weary of having to change their prices every day.

A spokesman for Asda said: “It’s a pain in the arse. Having a proper war will sort everything out.”

In a bid to bolster troop numbers the supermarkets are asking shoppers to join their armies with the promise of extra loyalty card points if they survive the first two weeks.

A Sainsbury’s spokesman said: “We think a lot of our customers will be eager to take part in a ground assault on their local Tesco, especially if it’s been ‘softened-up’ with an artillery barage.

“And they’ll get 50 Nectar points which they can use to buy some vine ripened tomatoes, as long as it doesn’t cause horrible flashbacks.”

It is understood that Tesco is constructing a Viet Cong-style network of tunnels so its shoppers can pop up in the Morrison’s cheese aisle and garrotte people. Morrison’s has pledged to train its customers in the deadly Korean martial art of ‘Haidong Gumdo’.

The Asda spokesman added: “Have you seen our customers? This is going to be a doddle.”

Aldi and Lidl stressed they would not be taking part in the war, even though they are both German.

Meanwhile, Waitrose said it will also be ‘sitting it out’ because its customers are a ‘bunch of middle class, liberal cowards’.

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