subscribe
/ Sign Out

I can't wait to see Jason Statham fight a massive vagina, sorry I mean shark

by Wayne Hayes, founder of the Statham Appreciation Society

AS a huge fan of the Stath I’ve always wanted to see him punch a giant predatory vagina – oops I meant to say shark.

Jason Statham is the ultimate embodiment of masculinity, and vaginas are the ultimate aquatic evil.

Shit sorry did I say vaginas again? Duh! Clearly I meant sharks. I don’t hate or fear vaginas in any way, even if they represent a gaping maw of vicious female darkness that lurks in the shadowy waiting to devour innocent men who only want to enjoy football, affordable sports cars and the pub.

I think women are great, even if they are too daft to understand why The Transporter is the greatest film ever made, or to want a long-term relationship with me.

Although – and I know this might not be considered very ‘PC’ in some quarters – the I do like the idea of a film about a massive vagina that swims around eating men, or even just toying with their emotions and then callously rejecting them.

In fact I’ve already written a script called The Vadge in which Jase and his funny Chinese sidekick ‘Short Trousers’ face off with a 500ft labia in an underwater cave system. So if any film producers are reading this, give me a shout. But I will want to keep all the rights to ‘The Vadge’ spin-off burgers and pencil cases.

Woman trapped in hateful job working with stupid bastards for evil corporation seems a bit grumpy today

COLLEAGUES of a woman who is basically a slave to a vast evil corporation run by bastards have asked her why she’s being a bit moody.

31-year-old Joanna Kramer, who is being a bit quiet this morning, works in an administrative role from an insurance company whose business model is based on fucking over its customers. The rest of her team are morons who are obsessed with house prices and big tellies, she will probably have to keep working there until she is really old.

Team leader Stephen Malley asked Kramer: “What’s up with you this morning? You look like you got out of bed on the wrong side.

“Have you got period pains? Because you know that’s not a proper excuse, right?”

Tom Booker, who sits opposite Kramer, also wondered why she was in a mood and speculated that it might be because she needs a “good portion”.

Kramer said: “If you must know it’s because I hate this job, and you people, with every fibre of my being. And we’re all trapped in a stupid, vicious consumerist culture from which the only obvious escape is getting pissed a lot or death.

“But let’s just say I’m a bit tired.”

Next story ›