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How to make a spooky Halloween playlist that runs out after four songs

HALLOWEEN parties need Halloween playlists, but as Strictly discovers every year there aren’t enough songs for it to work. Try these: 

Thriller by Michael Jackson, 1983

Brilliant start. Great song, lyrics about horror stuff, zombies doing a formation dance, Vincent Price intoning spooky shit, an absolute copper-bottomed Halloween floor-filler. You’ve shot your best shot and everyone knows it. You begin to sweat.

Ghostbusters by Ray Parker Jr, 1984

Now you’ve panicked and shoved this on, your most engagingly chanty song that gets even little kids gorging on Maoms jumping around. This would be going great if you had anything even half-decent to follow it, which you haven’t. You thought this would be easier. Shit.

Black Magic by Little Mix, 2015

All but the tween girls abandon the dancefloor as you put on a Halloween song in name only. The lyrics mention potions and crystal balls but it’s just your standard sexy come-on track really. Desperately you try to save it with an undeniable trick-or-treat classic.

The Monster Mash by Bobby Pickett, 1962

As Halloween as f**k, you beam proudly from behind your fake-cobweb-bedecked Bluetooth speaker, so why are the girls leaving the floor? Why are you now playing exclusively to toddlers on sugar highs? It’s because the Monster Mash is a crap novelty song from the 1960s, isn’t it?

Werewolves of London by Warren Zevon, 1978

Left with no other choice, you play some of your more original material. This song’s great and it’s got howls in the chorus. The crowd don’t know it and don’t like it. Nor do they enjoy Zombie Nation, Ghost Town, Black Sabbath or Nine Inch Nails. You’re getting looks from adults that say ‘play the f**king hits, dickhead’.

Thriller by Michael Jackson, 1983

You give up, put the first four songs on shuffle, and get a drink. When asked why you didn’t play the Time Warp, you tell your neighbour to piss off in front of their baby who’s dressed like a pumpkin.

Selling their parents' house, and other shit the youngest child can get away with

EVERY parent holds their children to the highest standards, until they get to the last one who’s a precious little darling living a consequence-free life. They get away with this shit: 

Selling the family home

He still lives at home, which is where he breaks the bad news to Mum and Dad that his party-planning business ran up considerable debts secured on the house and it gets repossessed tomorrow. Mum is so proud he tried and they’ll be fine in the static caravan.

Painting their bedroom black

You spent your teenage years with floral wallpaper that cost, as you were ever-reminded, £30 a roll. You couldn’t put a poster up because of the damage Blu-Tac does. Your kid sister paints her room jet-black with a pattern of bat-winged skulls and she’s lauded for helping out around the house.

Getting head-to-toe tattoos

You couldn’t get your ears pierced until you were 16, and even then mum cried because you looked so cheap. Your little brother now has both sleeves, a neck tattoo and is considering facial ink. Both parents agree: isn’t he brave with the needles?

Marrying someone they met six months ago

The entire family is plunged deeply into debt going to a hippy beach wedding in Australia to a girl your youngest brother met six months ago. Everyone agrees they won’t last six months and it’s over in three. Nonetheless, your parents still talk about what a marvellous occasion it was and it’s a shame you can’t settle down.

Being unable to hold down any job

From the abandoned university degree to the entry-level position at Dad’s work to Domino’s to the pub job, she’s quit them all. Your own career is dismissed as easy for someone like you who can turn up on time and follow orders. Your sister’s so much more special than that.

Disowning the family

One of the most profoundly hurtful things you could do to a parent. So much pain caused by you because, let’s face it, you’ll get the blame for him joining that cult.

Murder

Actual murder, but the real victim would be the youngest child because they have to sleep in a nasty cold cell. Even if it was you they murdered.

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