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Holly Willoughby hasn't stopped saying f**k yet

FRIENDS of Holly Willoughby have confirmed she has spent the four days since quitting This Morning releasing 14 years’ worth of expletives.

The presenter’s method approach to hosting Britain’s most anodyne show means she has not allowed the word ‘f**k’ to pass her lips since September 2009, despite numerous provocations.

Her personal assistant said: “Holly faxed over her resignation on Tuesday night. ‘Well, that’s f**king that,’ she said, taking us both aback, but after that the floodgates opened.

“She’s literally unable to speak a sentence without at least four f**ks in. ‘I’ll f**king take the f**king dog the f**k out for a f**king walk, shall I?’ is only the most recent.

“And that’s when she’s trying. Mostly she’s muttering ‘f**k, f**k, f**k’ in a constant low stream, recalling every boring recipe or moronic makeover she had to smile through.

“We believe she’s currently reliving 2015. When we get to 2017, when she discovered her salary was only one-third of Phillip Schofield’s, we’re sending the kids away for a few days.”

Willoughby said: “Once I’ve got this the f**k out of the way, I hope to present The f**king One Show.”

Cleopatra had an iPod shuffle: unbelievable lies that will change your perception of history

DID you know that Napoleon wrote the very first tweet? You do now. Here are some other made-up facts that will change your perspective on the past:

Cleopatra had an iPod shuffle

We think of the last queen of Egypt as a distant figure, far removed from our lives today, but the Ptolemaic Kingdom had some very relatable technology. Cleopatra owned a first generation iPod shuffle, which she used to listen to bands like The Cairo Boys, DJ Supa Caesar and Westlife. Incredible.

JFK went out with Joan of Arc

The legendary Joan of Arc was burnt at the stake in 1431, but did you know that just a few years earlier she went on several dates with famed American lothario President Kennedy? French historians have tried to keep a lid on this revelation to maintain Joan’s virginal image, having seen what JFK’s association with Marilyn Monroe did for her reputation.

Socrates loved Warhammer

Athenian philosopher Socrates introduced us to big concepts like the Socratic Method, but he should be better known for his passion for the medieval fantasy tabletop game Warhammer. His preferred weapon wasn’t intense questioning, but a field trebuchet, and it is believed his orc painting was the most detailed in all of Ancient Greece.

Napoleon wrote the first tweet

Napoleon died in 1821 on the remote island of Saint Helena, but that wasn’t before he had spent several years shitposting and trolling people on Twitter. Despite what you’ve heard about Jack Dorsey, it was actually Napoleon who crafted the world’s very first Twitter status. It read: ‘Wellington is a smooth-brained cuck lol.’

Sir David Attenborough is older than Jesus

Jesus is still a big name to this day, even introducing the concept of ‘AD’, but did you know that he’s younger than British national treasure Sir David Attenborough? Attenborough was born in 3 BC, meaning he has a good few years on Christ. Sadly, Jesus never got to see Blue Planet, due to being crucified.

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