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Government bans hoverboards and going on about Back to the Future

THE government has banned hoverboards and enthusing about Back to the Future.

Anyone wishing to use a hoverboard or to argue the merits of a 1980s time-travel comedy can now only do so on private land. 

Eleanor Shaw of the CPS said: “Anyone riding a so-called hoverboard on the streets is liable for prosecution, and that goes double for anyone still banging on about Marty McFly like a family sci-fi comedy is the best thing to come out of human culture in the last 30 years.

“Discussion appertaining to the sequel, literally a retread of the dubious glories of the first, or the odious third instalment could result in prison time.”

41-year-old Tom Booker said: “I’m going to a former airfield this weekend, where I can shout my theories about the movie’s playful critique of Freudian psychoanalysis and the law can’t touch me. 

“I’ll leave the hoverboard at home though, because it makes me look like someone pretending to be a ghost who has forgotten to put a white sheet over themselves.

“Also it does not actually hover and is clearly on wheels.”

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
In confusion about the meaning of the phrase ‘Netflix and chill’, you end up slowly losing consciousness in a chest freezer with someone you hoped to have sex with. Still, House of Cards was good. 

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
On Friday, you cross a river with a frog and sting him to death halfway across. It is admittedly your nature, but you don’t have to be such a dick. 

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
That asteroid that nearly hit Earth last week? That nobody knew about? That was in your star sign? Yeah, you’d better apologise. 

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As a staunch Tory and backer of Jeremy Hunt’s seven-day NHS, you spend this weekend courting serious injury to prove how necessary it is. Such a fine line between ‘serious’ and ‘fatal’. 

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You ‘danced like nobody’s watching’, but they were watching and they filmed you and it’s gone viral. 

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Other people think it’s a disproportionate reaction, but you know that the only way to survive Piers Morgan’s appointment as Good Morning Britain host is to become nocturnal. 

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
This week, the stars discover you’ve been cheating on them with a pack of tarot cards and refuse to give you any forecast, suggesting instead you ask your ‘occult hussy’ what’s going on.   

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
A sign outside your pub on Friday reads ‘Performance Poetry’, two words that go together about as well as ‘origami’ and ‘chainsaw’.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Yes sir, I can boogie, but I need a certain song by Cannibal Corpse.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Today, why not try to convince your work colleague that Brian Eno’s full name is Brian English National Opera?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If you were a Mars Bar you’d eat yourself. Not because you’re conceited, because you’re a greedy bastard.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Just ten minutes of mindfulness meditation a day can help with mental health and reduce blood pressure, but if you do it again in the queue for the cashpoint you are going to get punched.

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