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Five fictional universes that don't need any more f**king adaptations

THE Harry Potter books which became films that became a theme park are being turned into a TV series. Like these other fictional universes, by now you probably wish they’d leave it alone.

Harry Potter

Mankind reached Harry Potter saturation point even before The Cursed Child bored theatregoers for five hours and Rowling trashed her legacy. Everyone already knows the story of The Boy Who Lived inside out, so what’s the point in adapting it again? At least do something creative with the IP, like a Cool Runnings-style movie about an underdog Quidditch team. On second thoughts, maybe don’t.

The Lord of the Rings

The Lord of the Rings universe is a victim of its own success. Peter Jackson created the definitive adaptation with his exquisite early Noughties trilogy, meaning a mooted reboot is bound to be shit in comparison. It’s not like Middle Earth is actually popular with audiences either. Just look at The Rings of Power, The Hobbit trilogy and the 1978 animation. It’s unlikely there are many kids in playgrounds in 2023 going ‘No, I want to be Elanor Brandyfoot!’

The Chronicles of Narnia

The world of Narnia has repeatedly flopped on the big screen, so why Netflix is keen to churn out another cinematic adaptation is anyone’s guess. You didn’t watch the BBC series, and the Radio 4 serialisation passed you by. Maybe a magic wardrobe and a talking lion with heavy Christian overtones aren’t what viewers want? Any if you are Narnia-curious, why not try reading the f**king books? Amazingly, they’ve got everything you need to know. Aslan, battles, Turkish Delight. It’s all there.

Game of Thrones

Westeros should stay where it belongs, in 2015. Back then it was a beloved fantasy epic full of political intrigue, cut-throat deaths, dragons and tits. Then it veered off into an unsatisfying final series because it didn’t have any source material to work with. If even the author has got sick of Game of Thrones, it’s a bit much to subject us to it.

Percy Jackson

Percy Jackson could be the greatest fantasy story ever told for all you know, but you can’t look past that stupid posh name. Also you have vague memories of a Percy Jackson film series that bombed, meaning it must be shit after all. Rather than bringing back this dead franchise, Disney+ should give the Fighting Fantasy books a multi-million dollar adaptation. If they’re going to waste their money, at least let 80s kids have a good nostalgia session down the pub about The Warlock of Firetop Mountain.

How to interact with children now that everyone's paranoid about it

YOU can’t even mention children without someone online accusing you of being a wrong ‘un these days. Here’s how to handle it.

Don’t speak to any sprogs that aren’t yours

Just saying a friendly ‘hello’ to a child who is not part of your own family is incredibly dodgy now, so don’t do it. Blank the kids who live on your street, or their dad who spends all his time looking for things to be furious about on Twitter will come out and deck you. If you’ve ever encountered a kid, they just talk shit about dinosaurs, so you’re not missing much.

Take your kids out of sex education

Teaching children about sex and consent is extremely suspicious. So what if being informed enables them to make better life choices? Anyone who shows a child a diagram of a fallopian tube must be a paedo. Ban them from attending and tell them a vague story about a stork delivering babies instead. It’s much safer. For you, not them. They’ll be pregnant at 15.

Don’t tell them LGBTQ+ people exist

Everyone knows that the population would be 100 per cent heterosexual if the gays didn’t go around recruiting children to their cause simply by existing. Same with trans people. Which means that if you mention anything to do with the LGBTQ+ community to someone under the age of 18, you should be put in prison for not letting kids be kids.

Don’t be a drag queen

Why on earth would a drag queen want to read a story to children? Never mind that it’s a paying job they’ve been employed to do at an event organised by a library which parents have chosen to bring their children to. Or that they might just like entertaining kids. No, the only possible reason is that all drag queens are perverts, as are the parents and the trendy leftie library. So don’t be one and you won’t get needlessly slandered on GB News.

Don’t let on that you used to be one

So you used to be a child but you went through puberty and turned into an adult? Bit f**king weird, isn’t it? All that hanging around with kids when you were a child? And what did you do with the kid you used to be? Don’t tell anyone about your shameful child past, or a mob whipped up by your local paedo hunter Facebook group will be kicking down your door.

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