Family who watched same-sex couple on Strictly now all gay

A FAMILY of four who watched two women doing a dance together on Strictly Come Dancing have confirmed that they all turned into homosexuals immediately afterwards.

Martin and Nikki Bishop, and their children Oliver and Sophie, tuned in on Saturday night to see Nicola Adams perform with Katya Jones and were surprised to find they all instantly became gay.

Nikki Bishop said: “It turns out all those people who make a fuss about watching non-traditional gender pairings on telly are right. You turn into a raging queer.

“When they first started dancing I’d never even considered I could bat for the other team. But the moment the judges started giving their scores I realised something had fundamentally changed within those two minutes.

“Martin and the kids said the same. Who would have thought you could absorb something as innate as a sexual preference simply through watching it with your eyeballs?

“We turned it off before Jamie Laing came on. We didn’t want to become posh twats from Chelsea too.”

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How to be a WhatsApp dickhead

RESEARCH shows that most adults now spend 100 per cent of their day titting about on WhatsApp. Here’s how to make sure you’re being a real dick about it:

Turn off the blue ticks

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Write a novel

Instead of just keeping your sodding feelings to yourself, why not respond to a quick ‘How’s things?’ with a heartfelt missive about all your recent doubts and dreams that will have your friend scrolling for a full 10 minutes. It’ll demand more than the simple thumbs-up emoji they were going to whack over.

Torture people with voice notes

Perhaps your partner was hoping to glance down and see what time they need to fetch the kids whilst on a work Zoom call? Well, they can’t if you choose to leave a rambling voice message instead. It’s a stellar way to make life easy for you and more of a ball-ache for others.

Start a dull two-way conversation in a group

Want to ask a specific person for advice about whether the new doorbell he bought worked out well for him? Then why not ask him through the squash club group? Then everyone can relish receiving 150 notifications about your deeply tedious conversation.

Split it up

Sending messages sentence by sentence will ensure maximum disturbance, one ‘ping’ at a time. This is particularly effective after midnight and when messaging large groups: there’s nothing your old uni mates will enjoy more than you lighting up their night with a firework display of alerts.

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