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Dubai, and other holiday destinations for pricks

ARE you a complete bastard in need of a holiday? Here are five destinations that will sate your worst instincts:

Dubai

While you bang on about how Covid lockdowns were an infringement on your human rights, why not have a glamorous holiday in a place built using forced labour where you could be thrown in jail for shagging your girlfriend or saying a rude word in public? Top tip? If you’re able to overlook the human rights abuses used to create them, the shopping malls are wonderful.

Thailand

There’s a lot to love about Thailand, but real wankers are only heading out to Bangkok to drink cheap beer and take illegal substances at full moon parties, all under the guise of ‘finding themselves’. Top tip? Given the harsh drug laws in the country, the place you are most likely to find yourself is in prison for a couple of decades.

Cayman Islands

The Cayman Islands represent a real ‘home away from home’ for some Brits, mainly because tax-evaders like to pretend their businesses are based here. Enjoy paying $12 for a single pint and knowing none of your money is going to supporting the infrastructure of the island. Top tip? If you get bored, play a game of ‘Spot the British MP on an all expenses paid jolly’.

North Korea

If your idea of a thrill-seeking adventure is taking a guided tour of an impoverished, miserable country with a nuke-obsessed dictator, you’ll love North Korea. Never mind that you’re funding Kim Jong-un’s excesses through your morbid tourism. Top tip? For an extended stay, try to take a photo in an unapproved area.

Las Vegas

Flashy bastards love Las Vegas for its unbearable heat, vile architecture and undercurrent of sleaze. If you insist on holidaying here, you – Actually, on second thought, go. Head to a casino and dump your life savings into the slots, you prick. Top tip? If you marry a stranger in a 24-hour chapel, you aren’t living a spontaneous, romantic dream. You’re a moron.

Pub staff and other people weirdly not excited about the Bank Holiday

EVERYONE agrees Bank Holidays are great, except for these miserable killjoys who weirdly do not get into the spirit.

Pub staff

A Bank Holiday means you can go out and get completely shitfaced up to three times in one weekend. Booze doesn’t magically materialise at your table though, it requires some poor bastard to dispense it and hand it to you. Pub staff might serve you with a smile, but they are being paid to do that and actually hate you for being utterly pissed at 11pm on a Sunday night.

Freelancers

Freelancers like to make a big deal about how their lifestyle means they can work at their own pace. In reality though this means they never have a second off and Bank Holidays are a thing of the past. If you know a freelancer whingeing today, rub it in by reminding them that they have to sort and file their own taxes.

Parents of young children

By the end of a normal weekend, parents of young children can’t wait to palm them off to school and escape to the relative sanctuary of work. But on Bank Holidays they’re forced to entertain them for an extra 24 hours. Every parent of young kids hopes the new Jubilee Bank Holiday isn’t permanent.

Residents of coastal towns

For most of the year, coastal towns are sleepy places and home to a reasonable number of people. Come summer and Bank Holidays, they transform into carnivals of drunken debauchery as swarms of out-of-towners descend like locusts. If seaside folk had their way it would be legal to shoot tourists on long weekends.

Bosses

Not only do bosses have to suffer the gross indignity of paying their employees to have the day off, they don’t have anything to show for it either. That’s why they’re more twattish than usual come Tuesday morning: it’s their way of reminding you that you’re still their bitch. Now knuckle down and work all evening to make up for the lost time.

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