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Deeply boring people finally represented on TV thanks to Conversations with Friends

BORING people with the personalities of wet bread are celebrating finally getting public recognition thanks to the BBC series Conversations with Friends.

Individuals normally ostracised by society for being dull as f**k are pleased that their lives are being depicted onscreen in their true colours, which are mostly grey and beige.

Desperately tedious person Nikki Hollis said: “For years we’ve been marginalised in favour of characters who don’t make you want to punch yourself in the face just so something interesting happens.

“But thanks to the TV version of Sally Rooney’s latest novel, our community is being seen for what we really are – awkward people having stilted conversations that make you consider topping yourself due to the sheer monotony of listening to them.

“The characters are truly authentic portrayals of the lives of crushingly mundane people like me. I mean, they can’t even make having an affair exciting.

“But it’s exactly that lack of any sort of chemistry or passion that represents me and my kind so accurately. I’m sure all television will be like this soon.”

A spokesman for the BBC said: “I can guarantee it won’t. We’ve made a terrible miscalculation with this one.”

'My conclusion is that throughout lockdown, Downing Street was party f**king central'

From the Sue Gray report, titled Findings of Second Permanent Secretary’s Investigation Into Alleged Gatherings on Government Premises During Covid Restrictions:

’DURING the periods of national lockdown, when pubs and nightclubs were closed, it is impossible not to conclude that Downing Street was party f**king central for the UK.

’No other location allowed anyone except residents to attend. No workplace allowed the mingling of staff or the consumption of alcohol. Nobody was even allowed to meet outdoors.

’In contrast Downing Street held parties for anything and everything that could be deemed an occasion. There was a party to celebrate a man’s final press briefing, for f**k’s sake. Wine, beer, and various spirits were consumed. A karaoke machine was on site. There were altercations and vomiting and 3am finishes.

“Given the situation in the rest of the country where all gatherings were forbidden and all meeting places closed, there can be only one conclusion: Downing Street was the Ministry of Sound, Cheltenham Festival and Glastonbury all rolled into one.

“It was party central. It was the place to go if you wanted a good time. Literally the only location in the UK where this shit was going down was the prime minister’s house.

“They held more parties than any other workplace in the country. Every stag do, hen do, birthday, wedding, works do and Christmas that got cancelled – here’s where your fun went.

“It was all taken by the very people who banned you from having it, who made an exception for themselves. Boris Johnson was the ringmaster of it all, there with a glass in his hand, making a f**king speech.

‘Nothing set out in this report can be taken as constituting a disciplinary investigation or findings of fact appropriate for such a purpose. I remain immensely proud to be a civil servant. Though I’m not sure f**king why.’

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