A TOTAL dick has used up annual leave to secure a tee time on a Wednesday because the weekend is a bit busy.

31-year-old Oliver O’Connor thought his colleagues would be jealous of his trading in one day pretending to work for an expensive traipse around fake hills when they couldn’t give less of a shit.

O’Connor said: “When the sun’s out I check the upcoming forecast and sneakily hit the HR app to get last minute PTO to work on my short game. It is my statutory right as a crafty bastard and gets me out of the morning stand-up.

“What else am I going to blow leave on? A mate’s wedding? A holiday with the kids nagging at you? Surely everyone knows three under par is better than sex, or has felt the pure elation you get recovering one from a big pond after a tricky dogleg.

“Golf is all about being alone battling the elements, not stuck behind a four-way of fogies on a Sunday morning. I can speed through 18 holes before noon and spend the rest of the afternoon looking at carbon-fibre shafts.

“I’ll have to work from August right through Christmas with no time off left, but there’s always the option to hit the driving range at 8pm on a Friday night.”

O’Connor’s colleague Julian Cook said: “We all appreciate it, because we can spend a much-needed eight hours talking about what a cock he is.”