Benito Mussolini to appear on Live at the Apollo

ITALIAN dictator Benito Mussolini is to perform on the BBC comedy show Live at the Apollo in an effort to redress left-wing bias.

The renowned public speaker and clown will film a stand-up segment this autumn, alongside other right-wing jokers Augusto Pinochet and General Francisco Franco.

Producer Susan Traherne said: “We’re delighted to be able to welcome ‘Il Duce’ and his unique unique brand of colourful commentary to the BBC.

“For too long the Apollo’s stage has been dominated by comedians who are left-of-centre and alive. Giving Mussolini the chance to perform a tight ten minute set will give us a more inclusive comedy scene where fascism is not only tolerated, but celebrated.”

Mussolini plans to avoid politics and focus on observational material about Fiat drivers, the Pope, why you should never marry your mistress and the difficulty of saying no to Austrians.

The comedian, who was famously cancelled in 1945, said: “If the BBC will insist on giving airtime to a raging communist like Nish Kumar, it’s only fair to balance that with an alternative perspective.”

Tory voter and viewer Joe Turner said: “Why is Dara Ó Briain doing an Italian accent? F**king lefty shite.”

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Six months whinging about homeschool and you taught them f**k all

By secondary school headteacher Mrs Susan Traherne

IT’S all we’ve heard since March. Homeschool, how hard homeschool is, balancing work and homeschool, etcetera. So I was surprised to find your kids have learned absolutely f**k all.

Less than f**k all, if that’s possible. Under your tutelage they appear to have lost knowledge they already had. A six-year-old should not claim the answer to six times eight is ‘bear’.

We tried to help. We made resources available to download, we marked their work, we gave them words of encouragement. Or we would have, if you’d bothered logging on.

So, I must ask, what was all this homeschooling you were giving them? That you resented so? It wasn’t maths. They know no history. None of them appear to be newly fluent in Farsi.

I note, however, that they appear to know everything there is to know about season four of Fortnite. That their knowledge of Phineas and Ferb is encyclopediac. That they can now do backflips on the trampoline.

My hypothesis is, therefore, that the issue wasn’t with the teaching techniques but with the teacher simply not bothering. That at best you made them read a book, or perhaps do some light colouring, before they went on the PS4.

In short, they’ve learned f**k all because you taught them f**k all. You spent more time moaning about homeschooling on Facebook than you spent homeschooling.

Don’t worry. We’ll handle it. It’s not an easy job, but it’s our job. But next time? Perhaps you could do us all the favour and shut the f**k up.

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