Woman puts Threshers-worth of wine bottles in recycling bin

A WOMAN has emptied enough wine bottles to fill a Threshers into her recycling bin.

In what has become a weekly event, Donna Sheridan is noisily filling up her recycling bin with dozens of bottles of Blossom Hill, Jacob’s Creek and Echo Falls.

A bleary-eyed Sheridan said: “Back when things were normal I’d worry the bin men would judge me for going through a couple of bottles of sauvignon blanc a week. But those days of self-restraint are long gone.

“At first I tried to camouflage my love of getting hammered by sneaking some of the evidence into the neighbours’ recycling bin. But now theirs is filled with enough beer cans to be recycled into a Boeing 747.

“So I’m tipping an industrial amount of plonk bottles into the grey bin. The ear-splitting noise is my way of applauding the brave cashiers at the off licence who serve me delicious wine every few days.”

Waste collector Wayne Hayes said: “We lose a lot of good men and women every week as they get infected doing your recycling. But you’ve got to explore New World wines.”

Six things not to have in the background during a video call

ARE you spending a lot of time on frustrating Zoom calls? Here is a guide to things you shouldn’t have in the background.

A poorly thought-out bookcase

It’s important to take time to reorder your shelves so that your pristine editions of A Brief History of Time and Ulysses can clearly be seen over your shoulder, while your body obscures your well-thumbed copies of Fifty Shades of Grey or loads of Sven Hassel SS novels.

Shit sports trophies 

If someone asks what that silver cup is, don’t put yourself through the humiliation of admitting it was a trophy you won 30 years ago for taking part in an egg-and-spoon race. And everyone got one.

Children

We’ve all seen the BBC interview with that guy in Korea where his kids burst in behind him. It was adorable. Kids ARE adorable. But when you finally snap and scream “STOP F**KING MESSING ABOUT WITH MY F**KING KEYBOARD YOU LITTLE F**KING BASTARDS!”, it can come across badly in a business meeting.

Dirty laundry

It’s easy to forget how slobby you have become during lockdown. Friends, family and colleagues do not need to see the pair of pants you’ve worn for three weeks drying on a ledge behind you. Particularly the skidmarks.

A mirror

Any reflective surface behind you could reveal your screen. This risks revealing that you have relegated FaceTime to a tiny corner and opened a second, much larger, window to discreetly browse the Daily Mail sidebar and Pornhub. We’ll leave it you to decide which has the more insulting depiction of women.

Your genitals

Your personal bits have never felt so free! Just don’t stand up and reveal to work colleagues that you’ve been Donald Ducking it for weeks.