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What your booze collection says about you

WHICH boozy classics have you got rammed at the back of your cupboard? And what do they say about the kind of person you are?

Last summer’s Pimms

You’re uptight. Yes, Pimms is technically a summer drink, but why be such a stickler for the rules? Strawberries may be hard to come by in the winter months, but you can at least get your hands on a cucumber. Live a little, you miserable dick.

Triple sec

You’re a wanker. A bottle of triple sec in the cupboard is a sure sign that you ‘got into’ cocktails during lockdown. Whether that was in a bid to impress your friends or simply to drown your own sorrows in a highfalutin way, it still makes you a pretentious twat.

Advocaat

You’re an idiot. A yellow-crusted bottle of Advocaat shows you’re a prick who thought it would be fun to make Snowballs one Christmas. Did you honestly think a combo of what is essentially custard and lemonade was going to lead to anything besides memorable festive puking?

Champagne

You’re cautious. But what’s the point of saving that champagne for a rainy day? You might die tomorrow. Even if you’re alone with nothing to celebrate apart from the next episode of Succession appearing on Sky, pop the damn cork and have a party.

A box of wine

You’re sensible. If you’re going to do something, you do it properly. Having wine in bulk in the cupboard suggests you take your drinking seriously and aren’t going to tit around pretending otherwise. Well, you’re either sensible or a borderline alcoholic.

Weird bottle of f**k knows what from some holiday

You’re an optimist. Did you think you could bring the South of France back home with you via a bottle of some mysterious liquid called Pommeau? Or relive student adventures in South America by necking some dodgy spirit that’s likely to make you blind? Either way it’s sweet that you thought it possible.

Hating you, your interests and your family: five things that aren't a turn off for men

WHEN it comes to dating, men are a hardy bunch. Even these habits don’t put them off a potential love interest:

Hating you, your interests and your family

You’d think a man would be deterred from desiring a woman who despised everything about his life, but that’s not the case. Instead, the male psyche will rationalise this cavernous difference of opinion by telling themselves ‘opposites attract’ and that, as they haven’t got any other options, they should take what they can get.

Problematic opinions

If a woman drops a slur into conversation or expresses troubling political views, a man’s brain will simply choose to ignore it. That is until they conclude sexual intercourse, at which point all the weird shit she said will come flooding back and he’ll realise he just made a huge mistake.

Being utterly boring

Whereas women look for individuality, confidence and ambition in a partner, a man will overlook a total absence of personality by talking about themselves for the duration of a date. As long as a woman can nod, smile, and laugh at roughly the right time, a man will judge them to be wife material and start shopping for an engagement ring.

Poor hygiene

A woman could turn up to a date with unkempt hair, yellow teeth and a fuggy halo of body odour and not have to worry about it. A man will take these as signs that she’s easy-going and fall in love instantly. He’ll probably even feel comfortable enough to start breaking wind in front of her before they get to first base.

A complete lack of communication

The old adage ‘treat them mean, keep them keen’ doesn’t only apply to men rebuffing the advances of a female. Women can entice a man by ignoring him, wearing noise-cancelling headphones to block him out, and not saying a single word. It will never occur to him that she’s just not interested.

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