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Pubs to pipe in pre-recorded misogyny and flatulence

PUBS in England have announced they will be using a pre-recorded playlist of classic pub noises when they reopen.

Concerned about reduced numbers and strict social distancing measures, pubs across the nation have put together a soundtrack of nonsensical rants and flatulence to make patrons feel more comfortable.

Pub landlord Nathan Muir said: “There are limits on the number of people we can have in and obviously folks are still worried about the virus, so they won’t be producing quite as much top-quality banter as they normally do.

“We’ve asked some of the regulars to send in homemade recordings of their tiresome opinions, focusing on everything from women to real ale.

“As well as fart noises, we’ll be adding the smell too. It’s been the classic pub fragrance since the smoking ban was introduced.

“Just like footballers need to feel like there’s a crowd of cheering fans, our patrons need to feel like there’s a crowd of men who will punch you for no reason. It’s what makes pubs great.”

Thrilled pub-goers all to be unconscious by 3pm

THIRSTY souls who charge out for their first pub binge in months on Saturday will be unconscious by mid-afternoon, experts have confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found that with their match-fitness for all-day boozing eroded, most drinkers will be out for the count after just a few hours, frequently in parks on their way home.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “People who think coronavirus is magically over tomorrow are also the sort of people who imagine they can maintain a pace of three pints an hour right through till Monday morning.

“They are in for a shock. It’s one thing to sink eight cans in front of the TV of an evening wondering what all the fuss about Breaking Bad was about.

“It’s quite another to take on the physical challenge of consuming that alcohol while bellowing and guffawing in a circle of mates on a hot day in a pub garden. It’ll be like Tough Mudding for someone who hasn’t exercised for a decade.

“Anyone concerned about disturbances of the peace on Saturday night shouldn’t be. All you’ll hear is the loud snoring of fools across the country, then pathetic whimpering as they wake up with the hangover of a lifetime.”

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