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Pint a delicious, refreshing depressant

ON hot days a pint of beer is a delicious and refreshing way to bring your mood right down, experts have confirmed. 

As the sun continues to shine on the UK, experts have confirmed that a glass of delicious beer is the most seasonally appropriate way to inhibit your brain’s ability to experience happiness.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Beer, lager, and even cider tastes so good at the moment that you won’t even feel like you’re slowly getting sad. But trust me, you are.

“At first your altered brain chemistry will trick you into thinking you’re funny and confident while messing around with your balance. Yet come the next morning, these feelings will subside into a deep sense of despair and futility. You’d think they’d put a warning on the pumps.

“The best part is, once you’ve made the connection between drinking and being depressed, it’s too late to do anything about it. You could wean yourself off with a laborious 12-step programme, but it’s much easier to carry on knocking back those tasty, tasty pints. Cheers!”

Pint drinker Tom Booker said: “Compared to facing a holiday with my family completely sober, low-level depression is a small price to pay.”

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'I have won all the debates and therefore the election'

WE have held debates, I won them all and they were on television. Everybody watched them and everybody will therefore vote for me or what was the point?

Last night’s debate provides a prime example. According to all the sensible newspapers, I had Starmer on the ropes. I hit him with the £2,000 tax rise, on open borders, on his plan to train monkeys to steal money from pensioners, and all he could say was ‘Liar’.

I was full of pep, vim and zing, which aren’t the medical names for those substances and did I mention my mother was a pharmacist? Starmer? Dull, dusty and ponderous with a tendency to turn pink under pressure. The win was awarded to me.

But then? I look at the polls and it’s as if the debate didn’t happen. I prove myself the cleverest and I win, that’s how it works, but not according to ignorant Britons.

Pay attention, cretins: I lowered myself to your level. I appeared on your televisions during your prime time when you watch your halfwit soap operas. The only competition was Georgia vs Portugal and who gives a f**k about that?

And there, on your vulgar 65-inch flatscreen that shows a bowl of flowers when it’s off and you think that’s ‘nice’, I won.

What’s the alternative? That Britain hasn’t watched the debates? That they’ve made up their minds based on five years of government? That two men ignoring questions and shouting soundbites isn’t the perfect basis for all democratic decisions?

I wouldn’t want to live in that world and nor would Starmer. At least he respects me, or he wouldn’t have given me this ‘Master Debater’ badge on our way out.

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