Have you got time for a quick pint? A quiz

6th June 2024

YOUR body, as usual, is craving a quick pint. But do you have time to squeeze one in? Take our quiz.

Are you busy with work?

A) Hardly, I got laid off a month ago. The only work I have to do is laying on the sofa and watching Homes Under The Hammer. Which to be fair is just as demoralising as work.

B) Extremely. There are urgent emails to reply to, meetings to attend, and slide decks to prepare. I’m so rushed off my feet that I almost forget it’s all pointless white collar busywork.

Have you got to rush for a train?

A) Who’s got money for a train? I can only afford a ticket if I book years in advance and choose the most awkward route with an overnight wait for a connection in Crewe.

B) Yeah, it’s the last one of the night too and it’s due in 10 minutes. Unless it spontaneously cancels itself, which happens with alarming frequency, I best be off.

Do you need to be home?

A) I don’t need to be anywhere. Home, pub, airport, park bench, so long as it’s a place you can drink a pint, I’m game.

B) It’s my wedding anniversary and then I need to watch my children do a school play and then I need to go to a family meal. So yes, just a bit, unfortunately.

Have you already agreed to go for a drink with someone else?

A) Nope, I’ve got the whole day free. That gives me enough time to ramble on about my petty grievances, problematic opinions, and conspiracy theories. Where are you going?

B) Yeah, an old friend I haven’t seen for decades who now lives in New Zealand is in town for one night only. It would be foolish not to make the most of every valuable second with them. Plus they said they’re buying.

Is the pub about to close?

A) Last orders haven’t been called yet so there’s plenty of time. Even if the barman suddenly has to make a round of complicated cocktails just as you’re about to order, I reckon we’re still good.

B) Judging by how the barmaid is making a big show of wiping down the tables and tucking in the chairs, I think so. She’d probably be really pissed off if we tried to get a round in right now.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Congratulations, you have more than enough time for a quick pint. In fact it sounds like you can go on a bender, sober up, and do it all over again before your next pressing appointment. Life’s not going well, is it?

Mostly Bs: Congratulations, you have the exact amount of time required for a quick pint. Forget all those urgent obligations and responsibilities and head to the bar, the clock’s ticking. And get some crisps while you’re at it.

D-Day remembered, by a gammon who wasn't there

6th June 2024

NOBODY remembers D-Day better than Roy Hobbs, who was born just eight short years later. Here he tells us what it was like to be there, morally:

“We were gathered in the high-sided landing craft we’d christened the Holly Valance, waiting for dawn. The mood was nervous but resolute, like the morning of June 23rd 2016.

“As the assault began, I geed up the lads – women weren’t part of the attack, which to my mind overturns feminism once and for all – by reminding them why we were doing this: bragging rights over the Boche for the next century.

“The Nazis fired at us, because they had a war machine that was literally the envy of the world, very well-drilled troops and excellent generals. There’s a lot to admire there, watch any documentary about it.

“But we weren’t deterred and stormed the beach with the same fortitude we bomb into the hotel pool after nine pints, leaving the Yanks to get shot like in Saving Private Ryan. Serve them right for joining in late.

“I personally charged a pillbox with a grenade in each hand and took out 18 of the squareheads. ‘That’s for Euro 96,’ I sneered, and lit a cigarette, like we all smoked then and no busybodies complained.

“Clocking off at 5pm, I poured myself a pint in a Frog bar. ‘Bloody easy when you’re not being undermined by the BBC calling you racist,’ I remarked to the captain.

“‘Damn right,’ said my commanding officer, a tanned, merry fellow named Nigel. I’m not telling you his surname. I don’t have to. ‘Shows what a bit of backbone does. Next stop, Berlin.’

“And within a year we’d won the war, Churchill was re-elected in a landslide, and Geoff Hurst volleyed home in the final minute to make it 4-2. It was our finest hour.”