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Craft beer drinker experiencing pretentious hangover

A MAN who only drinks craft beer is suffering from a hangover he considers superior to one caused by mass-produced beer.

Graphic designer Tom Booker is feeling terrible after nine pints of artisanal beer, but feels he is having a richer ‘feeling like shit’ experience than undiscerning drinkers.

Booker said: “My hangover is very dry on the palate, with notes of bile, unbrushed teeth and 12 Marlboros. There’s also a lingering throbbing in my right temple, and my stomach appears to have very strong carbonation.

“You just don’t get this quality of hangover from less expensive commercial lagers. As I was retching into the toilet bowl this morning I got a wonderful callback of lychee from the BrewDog ‘Punk IPA’.

“On the back end there are some really interesting sensations of fear, regret and general worthlessness, with a real note of unexplained guilt cutting through.

“I’d better go now as I think my bowels are about to explode again, but at least there’ll be a subtle hint of caramel and coriander.”

Are you a nightmare to go out with?

DO your relationships keep ending badly? It could be because you’re a fucking nightmare to go out with. Take our test and find out.

When is a good time to discuss relationship issues?

A) At the weekend when you’re both relaxed.

B) When you’re frantically checking everything because there’s a cab outside your house waiting to take you to Heathrow for two weeks in Spain.

How should things be arranged in your house or flat?

A) Er, just normally.

B) Via an arcane system whereby pants, socks and tops go in different washing baskets and cutlery is arranged in the drawer by order of size, not type, in a baffling ‘OCD’ way.

You become friendly with a co-worker who seems attracted to you. What do you do next?

A) Keep it strictly platonic.

B) Conduct a weird text flirtation which could just be colleagues having a laugh or ongoing hot filthy hotel sex.

Your partner keeps doing something that annoys you. What is your response?

A) Mention it calmly and maybe make a joke of it.

B) Say nothing and store up your resentment for months before finally exploding in a horrific nuclear blast of irrational anger during which you insult them, their friends, exes, job, parents and cat.

What is going to the pub with your partner like?

A) You chat to your partner and friends.

B) You constantly flirt with other people, or get shitfaced and spend most of the evening with a group of total strangers at the pool table, one of whom clearly wants to shag you.

Mostly As. You are easy to go out with, but don’t worry, you’ll probably meet someone who wants to share their psychotic personal dramas.

Mostly Bs. You are a nightmare. Stop doing mad things like suddenly getting out a suitcase and threatening to leave at 1am after a perfectly pleasant evening because your partner “doesn’t understand you”.

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