TEATIME telly can be hard going. Here are five drinking games that’ll see you all the way through to 8pm – when you can get pissed to something better on Netflix.
Chug while the Pointless ticker drops
You can’t help but play along, even though your general knowledge is shit, the contestants only ever win 50p and they’re all clearly furious they didn’t get on The Chase. To spice things up, get some strong lagers in and chug them for the entire time the ticker is counting down. Gill and Kevin from Shropshire might’ve just scored 17 points but you’ve puked Kronenbourg all over your carpet. Which was more ‘pointless’?
The Antiques Roadshow happy hour
A weekend treat. As soon as the iconic theme tune begins you have to drink until Fiona Bruce starts her opening link in front of a sumptuous country house. From then on the rules are simple: drink whenever anyone looks disappointed at a valuation; whenever an expert is dressed like a twat; and especially when a punter tries to edge into the back of shot to get themselves on the telly. Looks like somebody’s going to be hungover on Monday.
Neck a bottle of vodka during Hollyoaks
If you’re watching this abject shit about Chester’s most moderately-sexy twats you’ve probably lost the remote. So you’re entirely justified in making it more interesting by legging it to the shop and buying the cheapest bottle of voddy available. Your challenge: down it over the next 30 minutes. That’s it. No other rules. Off your head on a dangerous alcohol rush, the weak plotlines will start to make sense, the dialogue sound like David Mamet, and the cast turn into Meryl Streep. It’s all a delusion, of course, but you’ve made it to Channel 4 news, which is infinitely more fun.
Drink when you’re baffled by The One Show
The Beeb’s flagship magazine show is known for some real handbrake turns – going from tap dancing to bowel cancer to garden gnomes in the blink of Alex Jones’ eye. To replicate this, change drinks every time they change topic – from wine to beer to spirits. Next rule – drink two fingers whenever a celebrity looks baffled by what is happening. Last rule – finish your glass when they ask a celeb their opinion on something they’ve no knowledge of, eg. Liam Neeson fielding questions on coastal erosion or Stacey Solomon speaking passionately about The Somme.
Come Drink with Me
Channel 4’s hit dining show is already a boozy affair. So just drink whenever a guest drinks. If you want to get really wrecked at 5.30pm on a Tuesday afternoon – and who doesn’t? – also chug whenever: one punter gives someone a low score just to be a prick, every time that bloke chips in with the sarcastic voiceover, and if someone is preparing a prawn cocktail and they immediately cut to another contestant telling the camera she has a fatal shellfish allergy. If it’s an omnibus, have a friend ready to call an ambulance.
