FEMALE hormone tests can now accurately predict the rate at which a man’s life will fall to bits.

The urine-based harbinger of doom is able to show when women are at their peak of brood-mental fertility, when their libido will shrivel like a three-day-old kebab salad and when the menopause will herald a whole new set of male nightmares.

Currently only available via hospitals, within three years pharmacists will be able to hand down almanacs of sorrow to men on their way home from the shops.

Crushed newlywed Roy Hobbs said : “My wife got checked because she wasn’t happy with all the uncertainty surrounding how much longer I could spend money on stupid shit I like rather than stupid shit a toddler would like.

“The results came back and I’ve got until May 18th 2017 to get her pregnant. 2108 days, half of which I plan to spend pissed. In the back of my mind I always knew this day would come, I just never thought I’d be able to meticulously plan a send-off party for my balls.”

He added: “Moving on, June 5th 2036 is when I can wave goodbye to having a wet dick ever again and October 19th 2042 will be the point at which I’m no longer the proud owner of the bushiest moustache in the house.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute For Studies, said: “I’ve invented a technique to synchronise the milestone heartbreaks with a biomechanical clock implanted into a spouse’s forehead.

“Why? Because I’ve got three kids, a constant migraine and fuck you.”

Meanwhile, Roy Hobbs said: “I’d end it all now, but apparently that doctor’s piss-stick says I’ve got to pretend to give a shit about furniture until her osteoporosis kicks in.

“You know the bit at the end of The Fly when the fly puts the shotgun barrel to its own forehead with a piteous look in its eyes? That.”