Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After the self-denial of Stoptober and the altruism of Movember you’re really looking forward to Smokecrackcember.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Ever since arthritis took hold in your fingers the only games you pay on your iPhone are point and click adventures.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Rather than having the soup, pâté or salad starter, you skip straight to eating a piss cube out of the urinals.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You move with the times and trade in your Gaydar for satellite Navigaytion.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Over-exposure to internet pornography hasn’t desensitised you to graphic sexual imagery as much as your many years in the priesthood has.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’re fired from the meat counter at ASDA when a misunderstanding of the phrase ‘up your game’ leads to an unfortunate incident with a handful of goose fat and a pheasant.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Home brew is an excellent way to beat the credit crunch, as well as eradicating the need for fibre in your diet.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’re really getting into the spirit for your visit to Munich, but attempting a putsch in your local Wetherspoons is maybe going a little too far.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
One nation under a groove. Or under a plasticine-faced gobshite if you have your way.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Next week will see you surrounded by your family. They all seem to be wearing black and crying a lot – any idea what that’s about?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
After being told that a good hangover cure is not drinking the night before, you discover that another good cure is beating a smug prick unconscious.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
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