A CRAZED motorist is brandishing a mobile phone on a garage forecourt, it has emerged.

38-year-old sales manager Roy Hobbs has been cordoned off by the military as he threatens to press the green ‘call’ button on his iPhone, which would trigger the vague but dreadful Thing That Happens When You Use Your Phone at a Garage.

Marksmen are in place on the roof of a nearby Toys ‘R’ Us, with instructions to shoot the father-of-two in the head if he moves to operate the phone.

Technologist Nikki Hollis said: “While it is not altogether clear why one must not use a mobile at a garage – no one has ever done it – we are fairly sure the result involves a crater, possibly also massive carnivorous slug things issuing from the bowels of the earth, like in the evergreen Kevin Bacon film Tremors.

“Texting is fine though, it’s just voice calls that are the problem.”

Hobbs shouted: “I’m just an ordinary man who’s had enough. Don’t think I won’t do this.

“In case my kids are watching this on television, daddy loves you and one day you’ll understand.”

He added: “I just want some petrol and a disappointing savoury pastry, that’s all. Those twin pedestals on which this nation stands.

“Although while we’re on the subject, how can the staff at this garage claim they ‘don’t have a toilet’? Presumably they shit in some bushes, like badgers.”