Dear Holly,
My wife used to be an alright bit of totty, but recently she’s let her standards slip. Just because she’s got to get the kids ready, do the washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning, shopping, dusting and a spot of gardening, plus satisfy me sexually, doesn’t mean she shouldn’t get her face and hair in some sort of order. I was thinking of humiliating her into action by getting her a makeover on This Morning, what do you think?
Gordon
Winchester

Dear Gordon,
My big sister recently had a makeover but it was a secret one that she did round at her friend Stacey’s house when they were supposed to be in double science. She started the day in regulation calf-length skirt and blazer, and ended it in fish net tights and a boob tube. She also put stuff all over her face so she looked like a scary clown, and then hung about Dixons on the high street drinking something from a 3 litre bottle and noising up old ladies. When I asked my sister why she was letting strangers look at her pants, she explained that she had become a radical feminist, like her idol Rihanna, who has shown girls everywhere that it’s ok to dress like a hooker and that no doesn’t necessarily mean no, as long as your boyfriend gives you a good hiding first. What a shining beacon of light this Rihanna is providing for suggestible children everywhere, I must look out one of her educational videos.
Hope that helps!
Holly