Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
A bad first day as an elephant poacher as you turn up for work with a 2,000 gallon drum of boiling water and a 40-foot slotted spoon.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Not sure rating every one of your post-1998 bowel movements for weight, consistency and exit cleanliness really does count as you being ‘thorough’, to be honest.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
By advertising your product as being made from ‘entirely natural ingredients’ all you’re doing is acknowledging that matter cannot be created.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You local pub shows remarkable initiative, taking advantage of the recent weather by re-launching their beer garden as their ‘beer outdoor pool’.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Paying to join that uniform dating website proves to be a total waste of money as there’s nobody else on it dressed as a snowtrooper from The Empire Strikes Back.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week 100 million people watched you elbow one guy in the face, kick another one while his back was turned and headbutt a third. Just like Wittgenstein in 1921 during the book tour for Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
So far you’ve managed to avoid all the spoiler trailers of Prometheus so it would be mean of me to mention the appearance of Adam Sandler as a wacky loudmouthed baseball player.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
What you want, baby I got it. What you need, you know I got it. All I’m asking for is your insulin prescription, for fuck’s sake.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your typo in the contract for the next series of Robson’s Extreme Fishing Challenge sees the show transferred to the Adult Channel. As well as making the vaseline budget go through the roof.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Just say no to drugs. In fact, a six-foot bag of mushrooms with the face of Syd Barrett has just walked in, so you can say it to their face.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Fortunately your terrible fear of heights will never be a problem because you’re going to spend your whole life in that dreary, flat Lincolnshire hellhole you were born in. So that’s a relief.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Oh, good. A breathy, acoustic version of a well-known song sung by a woman with a quirky voice. Hoo-bastard-ray.