Dear Holly,
I’ve developed a really embarrassing problem related to my anal region, which is slightly less elastic than it used to be, resulting in sudden and unfortunate expulsions of gas at the most inappropriate moments. I thought I was getting away with it, until last weekend at a wedding. I had just asked if anyone knew of any lawful impediment as to why the marriage could not go ahead, only to provide the involuntary response myself, much to the surprise and disgust of the congregation, and voiding the marriage in the process. How can I stop this terrible affliction before the funeral I’m doing next week?
Father Michael
Wells-next-the-Sea

Dear Father Michael,
Whatever you do, don’t go along to Mrs Dodkins’ music club after school on a Tuesday, as she has little tolerance for bottom burps, especially if you aim one into your recorder during Morning Has Broken like Oliver French did. Although we all found the additional percussion enhanced the song tremendously, Mrs Dodkins was less in favour, and Oliver French ended up getting his instrument confiscated, leaving him to clap along to the music with the special needs kids which was so uncool. So unless you fancy joining them, I suggest you keep your pumps to yourself in future.
Hope that helps!
Holly