THE Chromebook will remove the final place where consumers can try and hide from Google, the company has announced.

The new not-computer will remove the need for you to store your innermost secrets on an old-fashioned hard-drive that sits in your house and can be disconnected from the internet, rather than in a massive, air conditioned shed in the middle of nowhere, owned by Google and that is the internet.

A spokesman said: “Because the Chromebook is entirely web-based it does away with those annoying programmes and applications that need to be constantly updated in order to protect you from large corporations and their insatiable desire to know everything about you.

“From now on, we will protect you. And, take our word for it, we know exactly how much you want to be protected.

“Yes, that does include you, Stephen from Finsbury Park. We know that you lie awake at night fretting about your loss of privacy.

“We know that shortly after you got up and went to the toilet at 2.14am on Tuesday the 3rd of May, you logged on to check that your email account had not been hacked.

“We know that the reason you are so anxious is because you are worried someone might discover your elaborate and detailed fantasy about paying clowns for sex before strangling them with their own giant shoes.

“And we also know that’s just the tip of a very large and disgusting iceberg, don’t we Stephen?”

“Well don’t worry, because with a Chromebook you won’t need to keep that sort of weird filth lying around the house. We’ll keep it in a big shed in Arizona.

“And you don’t need to worry about us telling people about what you plan to do with all the dead clowns, because we don’t do evil.

“We don’t even fantasise about it.

“Now then Stephen, how many Chromebooks can we put you down for?”