THE purchase of a camper van will not make your life meaningful or free, it has emerged.

As the holiday season begins, millions of desperate office workers are thinking heavily-romanticised thoughts about buying a vehicle with an uncomfortable bed and a potty in it.

Sales manager Tom Logan said: “I’m going to buy a Jamie Oliver van, put a surf board on the top and drive around Cornwall with a terrier with one of those little hankies round his neck. I will definitely pick up an attractive female hitch-hiker in a battered straw hat and have consensual sex with her.

“Then we’ll look at the sunset and think deep thoughts while feeling truly alive.”

However VW Camper owner Roy Hobbs said: “Mine’s just sitting in the drive, rusting. I’ll take it out next week so that it can go and fail its MOT.

“Basically I’ve slept in it four nights, which means as a form of accommodation it is slightly more expensive than the Savoy.

“I have had no additional sex since buying it, or noticed any increase in my personal liberty or freewheelingness.”

Vintage camper owner Nikki Hollis said: “Apparently ‘freedom’ means ‘travelling slowly in considerable discomfort while using shitloads of petrol’.

“Although I suppose in normal, conventional life you don’t get to cook sausages on a  faulty gas ring while crouched next to a plastic box containing human faeces.”