Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you phone your broadband provider to ask if they do a ‘Masturbating Music Thief’ package.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A good friend could take you by surprise on Friday. But at least he won’t be wearing his big gardening gloves this time.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you get drunk and try to convince your friends down the pub that the reason England won the first test against India was that Muslims massacred Amy Winehouse. Maybe stay off the metal polish.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
‘Cos baby you’re a firework’. And by that I mean you only go out one night a year and if somebody mishandles you, you’ll have their hand off.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you may be irritated with someone born under Sagittarius. Tell the police they like to hang about outside schools.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Watching the Twilight film where the girl has to choose between a
vampire and a werewolf has made you feel a lot better about the
problems of your own daughter, who’s currently vacillating between a
chinless Kwik Fit grease-monkey and that cretin that collects the
trolleys at Asda.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week a proposal could have exciting financial implications. What, you’re saying you wouldn’t do that for a million quid? You’re so much better than everyone else, are you? Bollocks.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’ll enjoy an Indian summer this year when a protracted bout of
cholera finally kills you in September and your corpse is nibbled at by a
pack of rabid dogs in an open sewer.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The next time you try and rob a petrol station wearing a ski mask, remember that you don’t have to wear the skis as well.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week why not go on a rampage of rakish charm and high-class thievery by following the example of the Simon Templar?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’ve finally managed to track down the agency responsible for the
Match.com adverts. Now you just need to store up three months worth of
your own faeces.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you’ll find love in the most expected of places. Won’t be long before they recognise your car.