THOUSANDS of young women wearing large-framed glasses are not actually repressed nymphomaniacs, it has been revealed.

The latest fashion for big spectacles with black rims had raised hopes Britain was entering the phase of naughty fun promised by all pornography since a 1613 woodcut of Ipswich library showed the Earl of Suffolk being chastised for the late return of a Gutenberg bible.

But saucy romp investigator Stephen Malley said: “One woman I was following slowly took off her specs and shook her hair loose and all that happened was I got a bit of dandruff on my shirt.

“I was so disappointed I barely had the energy to put my trousers back on.

“It was nothing like I’d been assured it would be in Overdue Lesbos. When questioned, the woman admitted she just wanted to look a bit like Zooey Deschanel, whoever the fuck that is.

“As a last resort I asked her how the Dewey Decimal system would classify this and I am now banned from Carlisle Central Library.”

Malley estimates that less than one in a thousand geeky-but-attractive looking women could actually name every crew member of Deep Space Nine and reckons they just like the way they look in a cardigan.

Malley became a leader in his field after proving that wearing an air hostess uniform generally signified being employed by an airline rather than having a penchant for a four-way Reverse Dutch Steamboat.

He added: “I still wish my life resembled the scenarios portrayed in my magazines, videos and DVDs, except for when I need some sort of household repair doing, which I imagine would actually be a bit of a nightmare.”