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Kids taken to Santa behind plastic screen with masked elves to preserve the magic of Christmas

CHILDREN are being taken to see a Santa behind a plastic screen with masked elves and mandatory hand gel to keep the magic of Christmas alive. 

Across the UK, youngsters are visiting fully Covid-compliant Santa’s grottoes for the heartwarming experience of Father Christmas asking them what they want this year through an intercom. 

Grace Wood-Morris, aged seven, said: “I was so excited as we queued two metres apart with elves in hi-viz jackets and facemasks warning us not to touch anything. 

“Then we were allowed to enter the open-air grotto to see Santa Claus himself saying ‘Ho ho ho’ from behind a smeared plexiglass screen. He seemed so cautiously jolly. 

“I told him I wanted a Baby Yoda plushie, then I told him again, then yet again but this time while facing the microphone as directed by his elf helper. 

“He asked if I’d been a good girl and washed my hands for 20 seconds every time I came in the house even if I’d only been playing in the garden, then instructed me where to collect my wrapped gift which I couldn’t open for 48 hours. 

“As I left I saw the elves swoop in to disinfect the chair I’d been sitting in before I went to the Rudolph-themed hand-gel station. So he’s definitely real.”

Wrestle a puma, and five other things Laurence Fox will do for attention

IT’S been almost a week since right-wing darling Laurence Fox was in the news for hosting a large gathering. With the oxygen of publicity running low, how will he get attention next? 

Eat an entire shipment of facemasks 

After tipping off the press, Laurence clambers into a lorryload of PPE and attempts to eat as many disposable face masks as he can before the authorities arrive. While being bundled into an ambulance he claims – through a mouthful of blue gauze – that this was a protest about how the NHS is no longer fit for purpose.

Leave Twitter in a strop then immediately return

A classic move for attention hogs pretending it’s all got too much for them. Cue Laurence making a huge deal about having to leave Twitter because of ‘liberal trolls’ before popping back up days later, physically unable to resist reading what’s been said about the furore in his absence.

Wrestle a puma

At a sparsely attended press conference, Fox announces that one week from today, he’ll wrestle a puma on Parliament Square to raise awareness of racism against white guys who went to Harrow. Health and safety officials immediately step in and save him from being eaten.

Start driving around in a tank

Laurence hires a WW2 tank and starts driving around the streets of London without a mask, shouting about random right-wing talking points. After this pointless stunt the media obliges and he is soon back on BBC Question Time and every witless talk show.

Go over Niagara Falls in a barrel

Despite absolutely no preparation, Laurence sneaks onto a flight to Canada to take on one of mother nature’s most spectacular creations. As he is dragged to safety with hypothermia by annoyed rescue workers, Fox claims it is a protest against ‘safe spaces’.

Move into porn

Unable to get legit acting roles because of his tedious views and the fact he’s actually quite shit, Fox appears on Loose Women to announce he’s trying to make a porno with a ‘culture wars’ theme. Unsurprisingly no one would ever watch this, so it’s back to tweeting.

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