ANDY Burnham is our new prime minister, sort of, and Britain is so entranced by him he is already appearing cock out in our dreams. What did he do in yours?

ANDY Burnham is reaching across the aisle to create a cabinet of the best possible talents from across the indie spectrum.

TEN years since Britain voted for freedom, many of today’s young people do not remember and cannot imagine life under the EU jackboot. Tell them the facts.

WHY parachute a man from Manchester into Westminster when Angela Rayner is right there and ready to serve? For these perfectly understandable reasons.

THERE is no way Andy Burnham can call himself a legitimate prime minister. Not until he has won an election called while Reform are ahead in polling.

KEIR Starmer has performed one of his characteristic U-turns by walking back yesterday’s resignation, Downing Street has confirmed.

IN your schooldays Mr Logan would emerge from the cigarette smoke of the staffroom, mutter about fractions and visibly wish he could still belt you one.

THE indestructible train network that has made Britain famous since the days of Empire has finally been undone by today’s terrible heat.

YOU have to feel sorry for racists who put up St George flags only to discover the whole street has them because of the World Cup. Here’s how to avoid confusion.

A SMALL child is allowed as much TV and tablet time as they like if they are watching an iconic BAFTA or Emmy-winning drama.

MY sex problem is incredibly shocking and also hot, but to read about it in today’s Daily Mail you’ll have to click on the link. Do it now – there might be tits and cocks!

LONDONERS tired of Manchester’s arrogant attitude and its residents’ belief the world revolves around them are keen to remind it that other places exist.

A PROFESSIONAL tarot reader has a sixth sense that her client’s life is in disarray because she is putting her life choices in the hands of a stranger with a pack of cards.

THE number of blazes caused by disposable barbecues suggests idiots may still need advice on their use. Read this Q&A before you start randomly committing arson.

IDLY scrolling through your banking app, you begin to wonder what the f**k all these monthly payments are actually for. These are the bastards bleeding you dry.

ANYTHING bad that happens to you while on board a yacht is your own fault, Britain has agreed.

EVERY year, mothers receive lavish gifts and cards packed with heartfelt sentiment from their children. Dads might also get something. These are the key differences.

A WOMAN who is only offered a selection of lunatics and perverts on dating apps has been asked why she always picks the wrong men. 

A WOMAN has been left stunned after a man she had decided was ‘probably good enough’ unexpectedly rejected her advances. 

AGE-GAP relationships are often frowned up - except in certain circumstances where people strangely don’t care about shagging an old person. Such as these…

A BRITISH man with a passion for Japanese women has proclaimed that he will campaign tirelessly for his human right to fetishise.

‘SHREKKING’, or being rejected by someone less attractive, is the latest bollocks Gen Z dating term, so what’s next? Any of these five are reasonable contenders.

NONE of the advances in technology of the last half-century have made it any easier to enter text via a remote control.

SICK deviants who use social media to prey on young people have asked you to consider their feelings during this difficult time.

UNDER-16s have explained that whether on social media or not, they will still be completely unbearable dickheads.

THE only age it is healthy and useful for anyone to have a phone is 22, it has been confirmed.

POPULAR T-shirt manufacturer Nasa is racing China to land a manned flight on the lunar surface. What do they expect to find there?

ONCE it was the next big thing, now you can’t even Freecycle it. Were you one of the visionaries who bought a piece of the future that turned out to be a dusty piece of crap?

THE new Supergirl movie examines the brutal quandary of whether it is better to allow the Kryptonian race to die out or to f**k one’s cousin.

THE Wombles have returned and yes, like everything else, they are now woke, sexy and for adults only.

IF they call it reality TV it must be real otherwise they wouldn’t be allowed, conclude the unintelligent. Which is why they’re fully invested in these obviously scripted shows.

LABYRINTH has hit 40, while the knobheads who endlessly quote it turned 40 quite some years ago. It, and these children’s films, are apparently impossible to get over.

WITH no new Doctor Who on the horizon, its most loyal fans are free to resume their notoriously hedonistic lifestyles.

THE Princess of Wales has announced that if she has to climb three peaks in 24 hours just to get away from the f**king kids, that is what she will do.

SHE doesn’t know why she hates them, but she does. These celebrities are subject to decades-long maternal vendettas beyond any understanding.

YEAH, it’s over between me, Ethan Slater the Munchkin from Wicked, and elfin Ariana. Honestly it’s a relief. This is what I’ve had to put with for three years.

ANDREW Mountbatten-Windsor, who remains beloved by his public, has somehow been on the wrong end of a right twatting. But who could have done it? We investigate.

STAFF who will find any excuse to have a few drinks after work strangely never celebrate employee of the month awards, it has emerged.

A TRAINEE bartender who asks questions like ‘sorry, what’s a Guinness?’ cannot wait to serve thirsty patrons during his shift covering this evening’s England’s match.

THE Scottish man two desks across is very clearly still inebriated which nobody has yet had the courage to mention.

AN office arsehole has greeted the end of the May heatwave by saying ‘Hope you enjoyed summer,’ and the worst of it is that he may well be correct.

IT’S only a matter of hours until office chat turns to what people are doing at the weekend. But probably keep these plans to yourself.

ALL homeworkers are completing their allotted tasks and attending meetings entirely naked, they have confirmed.

NEW research has found making a train journey in Britain can be survived and even enjoyed if the passenger has drunk enough.

CHILDREN are disturbing heavy-drinking adults at their serious work of getting shitfaced, so should they be given pubs of their own?

IRELAND’S proud Celtic heritage and long, complex history is being celebrated by millions drinking ceremonial pints of beer.

A MAN is never more than 480 minutes from being able to neck pints of delicious, refreshing beer, it has emerged.