THE right-wing press is desperate to convince readers that voting Labour will lead to a socialist nightmare ruled by ruthless Leninists. Here’s who it’s not really working with.

KEIR Starmer has told the people of Makerfield that Reform are not the unelectable monsters they have been led to believe.

TWO resignations? Government destabilised again? My authority threatened? Stunned. And just when I was thinking I was in this for the long haul.

CARS and homes were set ablaze by riots in Belfast last night. But for reasons some newspapers broadly approve of, which is why they get this spin.

AN elderly Belfast resident is chuckling at the relatively small scale of last night’s violence.

YOU have to feel sorry for racists who put up St George flags only to discover the whole street has them because of the World Cup. Here’s how to avoid confusion.

A SMALL child is allowed as much TV and tablet time as they like if they are watching an iconic BAFTA or Emmy-winning drama.

THE Bank of England has announced the 18-strong shortlist of beasts for British banknotes and the country is in uproar. Which will you go to war to be included?

TUITION fees and high-interest student loans have returned Britain’s universities to the domain of the wealthy and stupid, as they were intended to be.

ANYTHING bad that happens to you while on board a yacht is your own fault, Britain has agreed.

A 20-YEAR-OLD taking a gap year to find who he really is has inconveniently done so in a service station on the way to the airport.

A MAN’s attempt to treat himself to a solo sexual experience while on a business trip has foundered on his own lack of interest.

THE Spanish tourist board is encouraging Britons to visit this summer for a good chuckle at all those miserable because they cannot be in Dubai.

A WOMAN is subjecting herself to enormous stress over what she will wear for an upcoming wedding, irrespective of the fact nobody will notice.

WHEN events such as divorce, redundancy and disastrous tweakments befall other people it’s natural to be excited. Here’s how to yap about it without sounding too pleased.

AGE-GAP relationships are often frowned up - except in certain circumstances where people strangely don’t care about shagging an old person. Such as these…

A BRITISH man with a passion for Japanese women has proclaimed that he will campaign tirelessly for his human right to fetishise.

‘SHREKKING’, or being rejected by someone less attractive, is the latest bollocks Gen Z dating term, so what’s next? Any of these five are reasonable contenders.

LEWIS Hamilton has done his bit to go ‘Instagram official’ with Kim Kardashian by posting a picture of her. It's not the only online dating trend we’re all supposed to be doing.

YOUNG Britons are entering into three-way romantic and sexual relationships because they are a great way to keep rent and bills down.

A 45-YEAR-OLD who exclusively dates women in their 20s while claiming they are ‘emotionally mature’ does not seem to have any male friends of that age.

NONE of the advances in technology of the last half-century have made it any easier to enter text via a remote control.

SICK deviants who use social media to prey on young people have asked you to consider their feelings during this difficult time.

UNDER-16s have explained that whether on social media or not, they will still be completely unbearable dickheads.

THE only age it is healthy and useful for anyone to have a phone is 22, it has been confirmed.

POPULAR T-shirt manufacturer Nasa is racing China to land a manned flight on the lunar surface. What do they expect to find there?

ONCE it was the next big thing, now you can’t even Freecycle it. Were you one of the visionaries who bought a piece of the future that turned out to be a dusty piece of crap?

THE Wombles have returned and yes, like everything else, they are now woke, sexy and for adults only.

IF they call it reality TV it must be real otherwise they wouldn’t be allowed, conclude the unintelligent. Which is why they’re fully invested in these obviously scripted shows.

LABYRINTH has hit 40, while the knobheads who endlessly quote it turned 40 quite some years ago. It, and these children’s films, are apparently impossible to get over.

WITH no new Doctor Who on the horizon, its most loyal fans are free to resume their notoriously hedonistic lifestyles.

SHE doesn’t know why she hates them, but she does. These celebrities are subject to decades-long maternal vendettas beyond any understanding.

YEAH, it’s over between me, Ethan Slater the Munchkin from Wicked, and elfin Ariana. Honestly it’s a relief. This is what I’ve had to put with for three years.

ANDREW Mountbatten-Windsor, who remains beloved by his public, has somehow been on the wrong end of a right twatting. But who could have done it? We investigate.

YES, I’ve been sticking my oar in again, but that’s fine because I’m an expert on Britain from surfing the internet while high. Here’s what I've learned.

DUA Lipa is off the market. But do not let that deter you, an overweight man in Reading, from your quest to land a hot, high-earning pop princess. All these are still available.

A TRAINEE bartender who asks questions like ‘sorry, what’s a Guinness?’ cannot wait to serve thirsty patrons during his shift covering this evening’s England’s match.

THE Scottish man two desks across is very clearly still inebriated which nobody has yet had the courage to mention.

AN office arsehole has greeted the end of the May heatwave by saying ‘Hope you enjoyed summer,’ and the worst of it is that he may well be correct.

IT’S only a matter of hours until office chat turns to what people are doing at the weekend. But probably keep these plans to yourself.

ALL homeworkers are completing their allotted tasks and attending meetings entirely naked, they have confirmed.

YOUR middle-aged co-worker who confidently opines on any subject he does not understand has begun stating everything is ‘probably AI’.

NEW research has found making a train journey in Britain can be survived and even enjoyed if the passenger has drunk enough.

CHILDREN are disturbing heavy-drinking adults at their serious work of getting shitfaced, so should they be given pubs of their own?

IRELAND’S proud Celtic heritage and long, complex history is being celebrated by millions drinking ceremonial pints of beer.

A MAN is never more than 480 minutes from being able to neck pints of delicious, refreshing beer, it has emerged.