The Mash guide to fracking

IT’S here and it’s fine, except that it might render entire counties uninhabitable.

Here’s everything you need to know about fracking in the UK:

Fracking will allow the country to enjoy free-roaming wind again rather than it being shackled by turbines.

Use of the word ‘frack’ to replace a commonplace sexual swearword, eg  ‘Go frack yourself,’ is a trademark infringement punishable by community service.

In areas of Outstanding Natural Beauty, burning gas flare-offs should be carefully positioned to illuminate the area in a romantic manner.

All underground fracking workers will wear three-piece suits and ties to avoid association with those scruffy coal-miners.

If tap water begins to spontaneously burn, remember you’d pay eight euros for that on holiday if it was aniseed flavoured.

Any employee gaining superpowers during a freak fracking accident must use those powers solely and without exception for the purposes of his employer.

Anti-fracking campaigners will be seared away in the Great Immolation along with everyone else.

Residents of fracking areas are warned that interbreeding with the subterranean Vril-ya people is illegal, and any children born to the union will be indentured to the company and worked until death.

Fracking operations are prohibited within marginal constituencies.

All of the above is so that you can recharge your iPad, then play bird games on it.