Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week, you suggest to the BBC that in the interests of balance the next series of Strictly should be presented by Bruce Againstsyth.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
For all the good things hes done its also important to remember Mandela was indirectly responsible for Mandela Day by Simple Minds. Swings and roundabouts.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
One of your bank security questions is ‘a memorable date’, the answer to which is ‘that time I shat myself in Zizzi’s’.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You still reminisce about the time you had a one-night stand with one of the members of NWA. Eazy cum, Eazy go.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
In a debate about legalising drugs, your argument supporting the idea revolves around the fact Russell Brand was on the telly a lot less when he was on the smack.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week, why not convince people youre not a psychopath by not committing a string of sickening, psychotic murders fifty years ago?
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If you want to remember to say yes to ecstasy but not when youre on shore leave, just use the rhyme Aye before E except after sea.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Why not make Wimbledon more enjoyable this week by imagining the ball is one of Charles Saatchis knackers?
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Look, government snooping into peoples internet activities isnt going to affect anyone unless theyre involved in stuff like terrorism, money-laundering, drug-traffick… – why are you crying?
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Its important youre not disturbed over the weekend as youre close to making a major breakthrough in your research into how many things you can balance on your cat before it pisses off and never comes back.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
Nothing like a cold glass of Chablis after a hard days work at the office. And by hard days work I mean sat scratching your arse and by the office I mean your bedsit and by Chablis I mean window cleaning fluid.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
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