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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Recognition at last for your continued custom as the preservation order on your local pub requires that any alterations must include your bar stool.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
I’m no employment expert but I’m pretty sure that a job contract can’t include under ‘any other duties’ the requirement to “Get yo freak on wit yo line manager”.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’re going to come back from your year of backpacking a completely different person – right now you’re a prick that doesn’t have malaria or a suntan.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
I don’t think anyone’s falling for that story where you try fending off a ketchup-bottle-wielding burglar by dropping your trousers and farting at him. Just be honest with the A&E nurse. She’s probably seen it before.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god! Shame about the dangly bollocks, though.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your holiday to Mumbai sparks a diplomatic crisis this week as you’re arrested for strolling around dressed as Clive Of India, sticking Post-It notes on everything saying ‘Property of The Queen’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
For he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a joll…really? Over 20,000 images on his hard drive? Oh dear.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You have earned a Playstation Network Trophy for Call Of Duty IV: “Completely disregard your personal hygiene for an entire week”.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You can pop as many cherries and umbrellas in it as you want, but your home-made mix of rubbing alcohol and lemon Fairy Liquid is not a ‘cocktail’.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After years of setting you targets which are ‘SMART’ (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic & Timely), your boss decides to try some that are DUMB (Deliberately Unachievable, you Miserable Bastard).

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Happiness, happiness, the greatest gift that I possess, apart from a cock that looks like an ostrich’s neck wrapped in raw bacon.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week you promise to give your boss 110%. You really are the world’s shittest  accountant.

Students at top state schools mostly middle class parents

MOST students at desirable state schools are actually middle class parents in disguise as their children.

Head teachers have warned of a worrying increase in parents determined to improve their children’s grades by making them stay home while they attend school in their place.

Teacher Roy Hobbs said: “I asked one mysteriously balding pupil what his favourite TV programme was and he said Minder.

“My class is just a bunch of middle-aged people talking in high-pitched voices and slyly taking business calls on their mobiles.

“It’s hard to prove anything because there’s a risk you might upset a seriously weird-looking kid, but it’s pretty obvious from the amount of pupils excusing themselves from PE with piles and sciatica.”

Parent/pupil Emma Bradford said: “I just want to give my daughter the best possible start in life by pretending to be her while she stays at home and doesn’t go near windows.

“It’s a good system although last Friday I had to go to a ‘spin the bottle’ party and kissed a teenage boy in a cupboard which was a slight moral grey area.”

Educationalist Nikki Hollis said: “Anxious middle class parents need to chill. Exams are overrated and their kids will all end up doing similar shit in reasonably nice offices.”

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