Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week try to strike a balance between career, romance and being denied bail.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you could upset someone born under Libra who feels their artistic talents are being brushed aside. Well done.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You once again manage to ignore the voices – both internal and external – and put the finishing touches to your blog post about the latest episode of Dr Who.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
It might not specify it in your job description, but in fairness to your employer you should just assume you’re not supposed to turn up for work at 2.30 pm stinking of cider and anal sex.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A time of great change as the relegation of your team means that come August you will have a host of new and excting places to beat up strangers.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
In a bid to show you’ve got more strings to your directorial bow than Twilight, why not remake an old fairy tale that looks exactly the same as Twilight? I’m looking forward to your reworking of The Canterbury Tales with a girl torn between two brooding young men who may be werewolves. Arse.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Fame at last as people are still talking about your nervous breakdown on Eggheads, which featured you saying the name ‘Dermot Murnaghan’ in a thick Brummie accent over and over and over and over again.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You can tell a lot about somebody by the contents of their fridge. Especially if there’s a human foot in it.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Nutella can be used in naughty ways to spice up things in the bedroom, but perhaps not 12 jars a week.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
‘Some people think you’re bonkers, but you just think you’re free’, you say? Well, I’m from the contingent that think you sound like a council estate being dropped down a flight of stairs. Pack it in.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After waiting for five years on the donor list for a kidney, you finally admit defeat and just make a steak pudding instead.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You patiently explain to your child that swimming is the best form of exercise and that one day they might even grow up to be big and strong enough to throw their own children into a canal.

45lb baby leads to Schwarzenegger divorce

ARNOLD Schwarzenegger knew his marriage was doomed shortly after the birth of a three-stone baby carrying a sawn-off shotgun.

The tower of knuckles will part from his wife Maria Shriver, who in turn will begin the slow surgical process of reversing all the work she has had done to make her look like her husband.

Family lawyer, Wayne Hayes, said: “I think the jig was up when Maria was sent a Youtube link of five year-old Gunther shouting ‘Fug you, asshole’ to his nursery nurse in a thick Austrian accent.

“I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a toddler chomping on a cigar, but it’s fantastic.

“He’s now 10 years-old but he already looks like a Nazi midget made out of bowling balls.”

Shriver first became suspicious that Schwarzenegger was having an affair with a member of their domestic staff when the woman in question made no complaints of sexual harassment.

By the time she eventually left their employment to go on maternity leave, she had to prop her stomach up with a unicycle.

Final confirmation of Schwarzenegger’s secret son came on the boy’s tenth birthday when he arrived naked at their house demanding clothes, boots and a motorcycle as a birthday present.

Hayes said: “The last time I spoke to Arnold he was making plans to go back in time to kick his own arse so he wouldn’t be able to rump the maid in the first place.

“I wouldn’t underestimate him. He was governor of California for eight years. What the fuck was that about?”