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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
On Friday, a longstanding question is put to rest when Alex Jones writes back to say no, she would never do that with anyone. Good to have it finally settled. 

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After thinking long and hard, you decide you’d rather be a cyborg than a genetically modified super-being, write your verdict down and seal your will. 

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Patiently, you await the first signs of spring: daffodils, birds in song, farmers spraying banks with manure, the new series of Game of Thrones. 

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
This week, you finally realise who you’d be in a zombie apocalypse, and it’s third zombie from the left with pulled-off arm. 

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Forty years ago you carved your name on an oak, and on Sunday you return to it and find someone carved ‘IS A TWAT’ underneath. 

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
As the most fashion-conscious of all the sun signs, you’re aware on Monday that your black three-quarter-length dress doesn’t really go with an open facial wound.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You really hope Sanders becomes president as ‘President Bernie’ sounds like the Weekend At Bernie’s sequel you’ve been hoping for.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
As the most logical, analytical sign of the zodiac you’ve determined that your own belief in horoscopes is impossible. 

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
A disappointing Sunday as you manage to cop off with a witch during a pagan orgy and her tit is nowhere near as cold as you’d been led to believe.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’ve always believed in the motto ‘any port in a storm’, which is why you were fired from the Met office for drinking on the job.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
For years you’ve wanted a tattoo but not known what to get, but all that has changed this week when you see the logo for the Elizabeth Line in London.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’re proud to say you feature in one of Aesop’s fables, The Goat and the Other Goat. It’s not one of the main ones. It’s kind of one for the fans. 

Stoners adopt 'designated talker' system

WEED lovers are trialling a system whereby one person in the group remains capable of communicating, they have announced.

Cannabis-using friends are taking it in turns to abstain so that one of them can interact normally with the non-stoned world.

Student Tom Logan said: “As the designated talker, instead of a joint I’ll just have a very mild sedative, like camomile tea.

“Then if everyone wants a pizza I can ring Domino’s without going into a blind panic when the person starts their spiel about ‘meal deals’, or having to have a mini-brainstorming session with the rest of the room to remember our address.

“Another task is explaining stoned conversations, such as when Emma was describing a film in really weird terms and I was able to work out that ‘the one with the robot dogs’ was of course The Empire Strikes Back.

“My most valuable contribution is dealing with paranoia, although it took me a while to convince Gavin there were no hidden meanings or insults in Emma’s question, ‘Do you like strong cheeses like stilton?’”

However potheads have already highlighted a flaw in the system whereby the mere presence of a straight person in the room makes everyone else deeply anxious.

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