Aries, March 21st–April 19th
Hundreds of single women in your area want to chat with you. About their cats and what a shit their ex-boyfriend is. F**k that.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
Have loud sex at 3am on the cold, wet paving slabs where your wheelie bins are. That’ll show those fox bastards.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
Dressed crab sounds like it’s all togged up in cute clothes until you realise it is in fact crab flesh forced back inside its own carcass as if Ed Gein designed the menu.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
That mailing list you signed up to on a whim is going to email you until you’re dead. Then it will dig up your corpse and ask if you’re sure you don’t want recipe kits delivered.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
The Lord of the Rings is full of hotties for ladies to incorporate into their sexual fantasies: Aragorn, Legolas, Boromir. Probably skip Frodo and Pippin. They’re good-looking but your Middle Earth sex fantasy won’t be very realistic if they don’t have tiny little hobbit cocks.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
Mercury is in retrograde, which means absolutely f**k all. But do an Instagram reel about it anyway.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
Resist the temptation to tell obsessive Bob Dylan fans he sounds as if a Muppet is wearing him on their hand and doing the voice.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 21st
Oranges are not the only fruit. Well, obviously. Maybe do a bit more research for your next book. Jeanette Winterson, you lazy cow.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
This week you will find love in the form of a tall, dark stranger. Shit, it’s the Babadook!
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
Quickly do a tidy and run the hoover round every night before you go to bed so you don’t feel embarrassed during a home invasion.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
Avoid the boring parts of having a family by eating an entire M&S lasagne for four.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
Taureans are often perceived as being stubborn and argumentative. Unfortunately you’re not a Taurus, you’re just a pain in the arse to work with.