Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when youre awake. The second statement can be logically inferred by the first, when you think about it.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Bloody typical; everyone else gets to do what they like at the office party, while you’re left to run off 200 photocopies of the managing director’s arse them send them out to clients.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
On Friday, two roads diverge in a wood and you, you take the road less travelled, and you miss all the traffic.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Getting to second base with Angela Stelfox while the teacher was distracted by the caesium setting Peter Hulme’s hair on fire was not, technically, chemsex. Good story though.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Finally, you’ve worked out how Twitter’s mute button works, and you’ve muted everyone you follow so you can finally get a bit of peace.
Taurus (20 APRIL20 MAY)
The days of the industrial revolution when eight-year-olds worked down mines were supposedly terrible, but when you can’t get the little buggers off Minecraft you wonder if turning an honest profit would be so bad.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You celebrate December 17th by going to work dressed as a stormtrooper but your colleagues dont seem as interested in the anniversary of the sinking of the German cruiser ship the Graf Spee.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Following your course on Active Listening Skills, youre accused of sarcasm today when you keep shouting HELL, YES! at your manager.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’ve always wondered why, of all the insults Kirsty MacColl throws at Shane McGowan in Fairytale of New York, she never once mentions his teeth.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
An awkward silence in the pub on Friday when your mates are discussing which one of the Nolans they used to fancy, and you say your favourite was Kevin.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
No, you’ve got it backwards; the green Hungry Hungry Hippo is Pisces, it’s the pink one that’s Libra. Though both can expect fewer marbles than usual this week.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
And very fine big up to the junglist massive to you, too, madam.
