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Five anti-ageing tips for people who live in a fantasy world

DO you genuinely believe there’s a way to stop the forces of time and gravity turning you into a haggard, wrinkly old sack of organs? These tips are for you.

Hang out with babies
Did you know what when you put a tomato next to a banana it ripens faster? This is the same principle, but in reverse. It’s best to hang out with babies you know though, or you might get arrested.

Live underwater
If drinking lots of water helps keep you looking young, the next logical step is to be surrounded by water all the time by living in it. And if you happen to drown, you’ll never age another day.

Look permanently surprised
Pros: elevated eyebrows and a wide mouth will stop your face developing fine lines. Cons: people will be freaked out and stop speaking to you.

Become an astronaut
If you’re in space you travel much faster than people on earth and therefore age slower. But never mind the science, you need to quickly figure out a way to make friends with Elon Musk.

Use oils to hydrate
But don’t namby-pamby around with baby oil or coconut oil. Go for proper, heavy-duty oil, such as Castrol GTX or whatever you can drain out of the deep fat fryer.

What to do in a Brexit 'riot'

MINISTERS have warned that Britain could face Brexit riots. Here’s what to do if you get caught up in one.

Make sure you can run faster than a mobility scooter
If Leavers target Remainers you’ll need to escape from elderly people on their ‘Brexit choppers’. Get in training by jogging round an empty car park with your nan trying to run you over at 3mph.

Do a spot of looting
Violence and anarchy on the streets needn’t be all bad. Encourage angry mobs to riot near Waitrose, Apple stores and Jigsaw so you can get the good stuff.

During food riots, watch your calories
When you’re running amok in Sainsbury’s it will be tempting to grab expensive meat, chocolate and alcohol products. Stop your diet and detox being in vain by stuffing your pockets with vegetables, Ryvita and couscous.

Keep a high-vis vest in your pocket
A yellow vest will be an excellent disguise in a pro-Brexit riot. If you’re a puny middle-class chap you can also wear it to enjoy feeling working class and masculine – maybe even in the bedroom?

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