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Are you suffering from Corbynism? Try our symptom checker

Funny feelings in your tummy
Do people who are centrists or even slightly left-of-centre make your tummy feel a bit funny? Like you think they’re worse than Hitler and Darth Vader combined, and you want them dead?

Intermittent blindness
Are you critical of the mainstream media but endlessly repost articles from left-leaning websites that have the journalistic credibility of In The Night Garden?

Confusion
Are your thoughts muddy and unclear? Do you find yourself saying things like “the British, French and German governments are lying to us, but Russia is telling the truth”?

Memory loss
This symptom particularly affects Remain voters. They forget things like how Corbyn’s level of excitement for a second Referendum is so small it can’t even be measured by the Large Hadron Collider.

Fits of anger
Did a bad man say something dirty about Mr Corbyn? Or maybe they’ve just raised some legitmate concerns about anti-semitism in the Labour Party. Either way you’ll find yourself awake at 2am, naked and tweeting horrific abuse at them.

Could you beat this weatherbeaten Russian fisherman in a drinking contest?

THIRTY years sailing through ice-crusted seas, knocking back potato vodka for breakfast toughens a man. But how would you fare in a drinking contest with this Russian fisherman? 

Getting started
Radomir begins by scowling silently at four shots of moonshine that was stolen from a brothel in Svalbard. He does all four in as many seconds, curses under his breath then stares at you. You manage one but most comes out of your nose.

Vodka
Rad produces a chilled bottle of vodka. The label is Rasputin making love to a wolf. He keeps pouring you glasses until it’s clear you’re drinking the whole thing. To help it slip down he tells the story of how he lost his right eye. It involves a swordfish.

Cognac
Rad explains, in your face from a few inches away, that he killed a man for this bottle of cognac in Murmansk and you must drink to his ghost. Further drinks are to Stalin, Lenin, Peter the Great, Yuri Gargarin and Ivan Drago. When you vomit, he slaps you with hands like oak.

Extremely strong beer
To cool down, you are both allowed to drink eight per cent beers while Rad discusses a particular class of people who should be driven into the sea. You are alarmed to notice there is now a gun on the table.

Jet fuel
Rad staggers out into the -20 blizzard and returns with a jerry can of jet fuel siphoned from an MiG-31. He demands you drink with him then roars with laughter as you lie unconscious by the fire. He extinguishes the fire by urinating on it for a full 10 minutes.

 

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