Dear Holly,
The other day, my girlfriend asked me if I would talk dirty to her during our lovemaking sessions as apparently she would find this a huge turn on. Being rather shy, I am extremely embarrassed at the prospect and would much prefer to remain silent, but she’s pretty insistent. So I was thinking of maybe starting off with something along the lines of ‘I’m going to rub dog dirt all over your fat tits’ and then maybe lead into ‘your farts smell worse than a decomposing corpse, you elderly whore of Satan’. Does sound about right?
Rev John MacDonald
Battersea
Dear John,
My teacher says it is very naughty to use dirty words and that it takes intelligence to express yourself without swearing. Unfortunately, there is at least one member of my class who did not possess enough intelligence to resist writing ‘hairy vaj licker’ in two foot high letters on the blackboard when we were all out in the playground the other day. Thanks to this anonymous vandal, the entire class was forced to miss out on a trip to WaterWorld. Instead we had to spend the whole day ‘appreciating the beauty of the English language’ so we would think twice before abusing it again. Based on this experience, I’d highly recommend that you avoid dirty talking altogether, even if your girlfriend appears keen. Ultimately, it’s you that will regret it when you’re forced to spend a whole afternoon doing ‘the palindrome challenge’ when you’d much rather be frolicking on a hydroslide.
Hope that helps!
Holly
