subscribe
/ Sign Out

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I’ll admit that my taste in fashion is rather risqué, and I do like to flatter my curves in a leather mini skirt and peep-hole bra. But the other women in the nursing home are obviously jealous because they’re all talking about me behind my back and yesterday, Dolly said I should wear something more appropriate to play bridge because my nipples are distracting everyone. Should I listen to them or are they just wishing they could look as good at 95?
Ethel,
Linlithgow

Dear Ethel,
Don’t believe everything grown ups say to you, because they think they know everything but actually they don’t. For example, do you know that one of the people who wants to be President of America is a merman? A real, live merman!! And all this time my parents were saying there’s no such thing. Walt Disney knew differently, of course. Apparently, if you’re a merman, not only do you get to live in the sea and lie about on rocks all day, you can also marry as many mermaids as you like. But sometimes they get bored of having conversations with molluscs and want to live on land for a while. So they put on a suit and ruck sack and knock on a few people’s doors to tell them how much they love Jesus and also to stop overfishing the ocean. You can tell a merman in disguise because they live in Utah, study scripture and have a massive fishy tail instead of legs.
Hope that helps!
Holly

 

 

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Few takers this week as you promise to attend regional council meetings for local businessmen in return for a Big Mac meal.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Life is short and we have one shot at happiness so just ignore the doubters and the haters who say that romance between a man and a piece of electrical equipment can never last.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Following a lot of groundswell community work, lobbying the local authority and winning sponsorship from businesses, you manage to convert that patch of wasteground into a thriving green space with excellent facilities which makes it a beautiful place to work for the local drug dealers who take it over 15 minutes later.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
It’s not a good sign that your blind date tells you to ‘just follow the smell’.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Good news this week after suffering 40 years of communism under Castro when a guy in a big hat you’ve never met before turns up and tells you you’re going to hell for being fond of cock.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Hey now, hey now, don’t dream it’s over. Not until you return all my DVDs and pay back the three grand you owe me, anyway.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Look out for the first signs of somebody having a stroke – facial paralysis, arm immobility, slurred speech and frantically trying to remember if they mentioned you in their will.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
A tense time for you when you reluctantly reveal to your new boss that your Facebook password is “ismokecrackatwork”.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You can honestly say that you’ve forgotten what it was like to wake up with a hangover, especially since you started taking sips of your supermarket-branded vodka-like drink in your sleep.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
I think we’re alone now, there doesn’t seem to be anyone around. So you drop your trousers, I’ll oil up my hands and we can do this thing.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
After a busy day protesting outside an abortion clinic, why not relax at home with a nice warm bath? And remember, down the vein, not across.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three ti…sorry, you needed my bank details, didn’t you?

 

 

Next story ›