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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Every time I try to chat up a girl I end up saying something stupid by mistake which ruins my chances of a happy finish. The other day, there was a gorgeous young girl in the library. I went up to her, with the intention of remarking on how much I like Wordsworth’s poetry too, and how the lyrical beauty of ‘Tintern Abbey’ makes my heart soar. But instead I panicked and ended up telling her I wanted to blast my hot man juice all over her lovely long neck. Is there a cure for this terrible affliction?
Henry,
Oakham

Dear Henry,
Whatever you do, don’t go around to Elizabeth Brown’s house. She’s just moved in with her mummy and daddy up the road. The other day, me and Oliver French went round there to welcome her to the neighbourhood and find out if she had any good toys. Turned out she had loads of cool stuff so we hung about a bit and her mum brought us Monster Munch and Fanta. We were having fun, but then Oliver found Elizabeth’s karaoke set and decided to test out the mic. Unfortunately, the mic was operating very well and at full volume, so you could hear ‘testing, testing, YOUR. GRANDAD. WANKS. WITH. TREMENDOUS. FREQUENCY’ from several doors down. His choice of phrase certainly explored the acoustic capabilities of the microphone. We had to leave soon after because it turns out Elizabeth’s grandfather had passed away a couple of weeks before. I didn’t even get to finish my crisps, which is a real shame.
Hope that helps!
Holly

 

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week, your no-nonsense attitude to work gets you sacked from the homeopathic pharmacy.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
If (W-X) x Y+Z=A, where (W) is number of people dead, (X) how many weeks ago they died, (Y) is how horrific the death was and (Z) how young they were, then you want an answer of under 3.  So just enter the figures yourself the next time you’ve made up a ‘sick’ joke rather than telling it then cheekily asking ‘too soon?’, you lazy prick.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your entry to the Sky reality show Got To Dance sees a visit from the RSPCA to explain that the producers don’t want to see any more cats tied to a hotplate.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You will have a sudden revelation this week as you realise with relief that losing the support of the unions has never made any party ever lose an election, ever. Being a useless bellend remains an issue.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You can call it an ‘isotonic performance fuel’ all you like but you know perfectly well your main customers are the severely hungover who were last seen inside a gym during PE.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
After complaining to the cinema manager that The Artist didn’t have any dialogue in it, this week you’re complaining that War Horse did.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Do I love you? My oh my, river deep mountain high… no, I’m not avoiding the question, actually.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week, you tell your friends about the hilariously abusive things you say to telephone cold callers, because they deserve it, those ‘minimum wage earning, just trying to make a living’ arseholes.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’ll always remember her as ‘the one that got away’ or, as the newspapers will dub her, ‘the only survivor’.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
With the current vogue for amateur astronomy, it can only be a matter of time before somebody spots all those old tires and engine parts you dumped on the moon a few years ago after the local tip’s fees became literally astronomical.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your presentation for Cash Converters’ didn’t go well after you suggested rebranding them as ‘Grief Enablers’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Revenge is a dish best served cold. So is trifle. You don’t see trifle on menus much these days, do you? It’s a shame because there’s nothing better than a really well-made trifle. Except revenge.

 

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