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I've realised Justin Bieber is an utter jobby-head

Dear Holly,

I think I have fallen out of love with my husband. It’s a sad realisation, but it cannot be ignored that he is an enormous git. Is it ok if I just stop returning his calls?

Janine,

Dover

Dear Janine,

I know how you feel. I was in love with Justin Bieber until I realised he is a total and utter jobby-head. Once I was a devoted Belieber, spending every waking hour looking at Justin’s Instagram feed, swooning over endless photos of him looking like a lesbian on a Segway. It didn’t matter that he was into Jesus, I just wanted to throw myself on him and lick his enormous purple 80s sneaker boots and gasp in love-struck awe at his zebra print leisure pants. But then he started getting all huffy on Twitter and wearing gas-masks and playing his Gameboy when he was supposed to be performing. All of a sudden the global Bieber love spell was broken, and we all saw him for what he was: a massive Canadian tit. If you look at it like that, he’s no different from Bryan Adams, and that is the most chilling thought of all.

Hope that helps,

Holly

John Lewis bonus paid in garlic presses and glass paperweights

JOHN Lewis has announced that its 17% staff bonuses will be paid in the form of non-essential household accessories.

According to the store, this will allow staff to enjoy an upper middle class lifestyle despite working in a shop.

Workers are taken into a Chamber of Improvement and allowed to choose from a range of melon ballers, egyptian cotton napkins and tea light holders, all with a stainless steel finish.

Bill McKay, an in-store Christmas elf, said: “John Lewis is very good to us. Well, we never actually see him – he’s locked behind a special partition and sort of booms at us from a loudspeaker, but we gather he’s a very kind if slightly overbearing giant.”

“Working here and having access to high quality ornamental goods has made me a better man. Time was, if someone gave me a knife I’d have gone out stabbing with it.

“Now I check for a hallmark and admire any detail on the handle first”.

Nikki Hollis, the store’s Head of Gently Condescending Services, said: “We give our workers the chance to dream of a better life.

“Well, obviously not one with tigers and swimming pools or anything. Just the chance to warm a croissant on a specially formulated toaster extension rack.”

 

 

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