Dear Holly,
I’m beginning to get all edgy about this Scottish independence thing. My cunning appeal to The British Public to phone their petulant Scotch relatives and tell them to stop their nonsense was ineffectual because no-one gives a shit. So I was thinking of challenging Alex Salmond to the ultimate neknomination: drink a yard of whisky whilst standing naked on the turrets of Edinburgh castle or give up this whole stupid crusade at once. Surely the podgy tartan fool will die trying rather than have his drinking prowess questioned? That lot are all the same. Do you agree it’s a superb plan?
David Cameron
The Centre of the Universe
Dear David,
My family and I once went to visit relatives in Scotland and so I have seen first hand the dreadful darkness that dwells in Fort William town centre. The whole place is like a dreadful parallel universe, a bit like a post-apocalypse Oxford. On the whole, the Scottish folk are pretty similar to normal people, except they look really chilly and annoyed and talk absolute gibberish in shouty voices. But you haven’t known true hardship until you’ve sat in the driving rain drinking Irn Bru and eating heavily salted chips outside the Edinburgh Woollen Mill while your granny from Glenfinnan is off buying you a hideous Arran jumper. Life up there is bleak. So very, very bleak.
Hope that helps!
Holly
