subscribe
/ Sign Out

I was shocked to discover I am 'thinspiration'

Dear Holly,

I was shocked to discover recently that I am apparently thought of as ‘thinspiration’ by anorexic girls everywhere. How can I become a more positive role model? I am particularly interested in reaching out to girls with dry or damaged hair.

Donna
Newcastle 

Dear Donna,

Since Miranda Simpson was caught twerking in the playground last week, our head teacher, Miss Nutkins, has banned every girl in the whole school from having unsuitable role models, and has circulated a formal list of sanctioned individuals, from which we are each at liberty to select our own personal idol. The list includes a range of inspirational women including Marie Curie, Boudicca and Joanna Lumley. I hadn’t heard of any of them except Cherie Blair and she’s not at all pretty, so in the end I plumped for some dead nurse lady called Florence Nightingale. Since then I have been mostly focusing on improving my bedside manner and developing a secret addiction to opiates.

Hope that helps!

Holly

Youth benefits cuts would cause electro-swing

BRITAIN’S music scene will be limited to people with trust funds if youth benefits cuts go ahead.

Music industry experts have warned that the Tories’ ‘earn or learn’ policy would force bands without rich parents into conventional employment.

Record label boss Tom Booker said: “Without the meagre state funding they need for a shitty shared flat and drugs, musicians from low-income families will be unable to revolutionise youth culture.

“Meanwhile musicians from good homes, who either have personal trust funds or rich parents with a misguided belief that all creativity is good, will flood the charts with gypsy jazz, electro-swing and pastoral folk.”

Booker predicts that the UK music scene, once the most progressive in the world, will become the preserve of beautiful but dull girls called ‘Jessabelle Fox’ killing time before they either get married off to a banker or enter rehab.

Jake de Bournville-Cobb of gypsy-electro-jazz act The Keta-Peasant Troubadours defended his music: “It meshes trumpets, storytelling, banging beats and pretending to live in a truck.

“If we weren’t doing this we’d be working in marketing or the financial sector. So the world would probably be worse off overall.”

Tom Booker said: “‘Earn or learn’ is bullshit. It should be ‘earn or learn or be in a band with genuine potential.'”

Next story ›